Atheism: You're Doing It Wrong

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Memo to Sunday Assembly: DON'T EXPECT ME.

I really, really enjoy being an atheist. It is, for lack of a better word, glorious. The best part of being an atheist is just how much time it frees up. Time spent pondering theological concerns. Time spent praying. Time spent going to church. Time spent hanging around other people when the only thing we have in common is a belief system.

Not all atheists feel this way. Some atheists are joiners. Activist atheists. People who think they should do something specific to not believing in God because they don't believe in God. I don't get these people. Do they not have hobbies? Do they not have DVRs? Can they not find a productive use for their time?

In England, for example, a pair of stand-up comedians have started up "Sunday Assembly", a monthly meeting of atheists in a space that once housed a church. On Sunday mornings.

Are you fucking kidding me? Sunday mornings are Not-God's gift to atheists. You can sleep in as long as you want, and still get to Costco before all the churchies get done kneeling and standing and chanting and whatever the fuck it is that they do. I realize they don't have Costco in England, but there must be a similar dynamic going on. Why would they do this?

"We thought it would be a shame not to enjoy the good stuff about religion, like the sense of community, just because of a theological disagreement.” - co-founder Sanderson Jones.

I'm sorry, but if you want all the trappings of Sunday meetings, hanging out with non-believers, potlucks, and talking about vague mental/philosophical concepts, join the Unitarians. That's what they're for. And yes, you have them in England. I checked. And if you don't like them, at least set your shit up for Tuesday evenings. Nothing's going on on Tuesday evenings and you'll still get to sleep in on Sundays.

The only good thing about Sunday Assembly is that it did bring out assholes hating on it for all the wrong reasons. Reasons very different from my totally right reasons. Like Reverend Saviour Grech, who either has the most ridiculous name ever for a Catholic priest, or no first name and a seriously over-the-top title. ACTUAL KVETCH TIME!

"How can you be an atheist and worship in a church? Surely it’s a contradiction of terms. Who will they be singing to? It is important to debate and engage with atheists but for them to establish a church like any other religious denomination is going too far. I’m cautious about it.”

They'll be singing to each other, just like the Catholics do, asshole. They just won't be pretending someone else is listening. And it's not a church. The building used to be a church. If you kept people from using former churches for stuff in England, the real estate market would fucking collapse. Also? Trust me. It's not important for you to debate or engage with atheists. We're fine, thanks. Go sit in your little booth and pretend to punish people for admitting to impure thoughts.

Me, I'll be sleeping in. Every Sunday. Forever. Because eternal hellfire's got nothing on getting dressed up at eight in the goddamned morning on a weekend and seeing other people.