You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Oh, They Meant It, Alright
Memo to DebraLee Hovey, Taco Cid, and Rupert Murdoch: YOU ARE DUMB, BUT YOU AMUSE ME.
It's been a heavier than usual week here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, so I think, for today's bonus edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, I'm going to focus on one of my personal favorite types of dumbass quote. The "Stop Yelling At Me Apology Lie".
It works like this. First, you say something horrible. Then everyone notices you said something horrible and yells at you about it. Then you apologize/lie claiming that what everyone's mad about isn't what you said, or what you meant. They are glorious because we all know what they said or meant. Case in point.
"My comments were meant to be protective of the privacy of the families and our community as we work to move on, and were in no way intended as an insult to Congresswoman Giffords personally." - Connecticut state representative DebraLee Hovey, who represents the Newtown area.
That paragraph has "Congresswoman Giffords" and "Newtown" in it, so the subject matter is obvious. What "protective comments" did Hovey make? Well, on her Facebook page, one sentence. "Gabby Giffords stay out of my towns!"
See, a political novice might think Hovey was just having a partisan hissy-fit over the presence of a woman with an understandable interest in mass shootings bringing her experience in that area to the latest victims. But it was meant to be "protective", and not "intended as an insult". Well, trust me, as someone who intends insult on a pretty regular basis, I know it when I see it.
"There are NO racial nor hate remarks toward any specific ethnic group. Taco Cid and its employees are not racist. We will serve EVERY individual with the same quality of service, respect in a friendly and welcoming manner." - From the clearly hastily worded official statement from a South Carolina taco joint.
The above statement is correct in one aspect. They serve every individual with the same quality of service. Unfortunately, this statement became necessary because the quality of service they served every individual with involved employees wearing official company T-Shirts branded with the slogan "How To Catch An Illegal Immigrant", above a picture of two tacos in one of those cartoon "box propped up by a stick" traps.
But no racial or hate remarks toward a specific ethnic group? When you're using TACOS AS BAIT? I know this is South Carolina, but even in the South, we've been working to develop a higher standard of plausible deniability and racist dog-whistle. We all know what you meant, pendejos.
"Did not mean to be unsympathetic to 400 lb lady, but fact remains unhealthy eating by rich and poor driving up premiums for all." - Rupert Murdoch, on Twitter.
First of all, what the fuck is Rupert Murdoch doing on Twitter? If he's posting to Twitter at all, shouldn't it be from Hugh Grant's phone? Or maybe the phone of a murder victim? Second of all, let's see what Rupert Murdoch says when he doesn't mean to be unsympathetic.
"How did fat lady who fell thru street get to 400 lbs? Welfare, stamps, etc? Then leave us all with 20yrs immense health bills." - Rupert Murdoch, also on Twitter.
Now, if Rupert Murdoch had access to some sort of organization that gathered and distributed news, he would have found out that the woman fell when the sidewalk collapsed under her, that her weight had nothing to do with the fall, and that she was employed as a social worker. Which means odds are, she wasn't on welfare or food stamps, and if she was, it'd be because of gross underfunding of social work programs, which, combined with gross underfunding of basic infrastructure, are problems that are in no small part RUPERT MURDOCH'S MOTHERFUCKING FAULT.
Being unsympathetic is the least of his problems. Maybe do something to stem his sociopathic nature. Maybe he can go walking in New York and the ground can swallow him up and we can all make unsympathetic tweets in his honor.