You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Awful, Awfuler, and Awfulest
Memo to New Hampshire, New Mexico, and Larry Ward: THANKS FOR BEING AWFUL.
It's rare that I use my usual Friday space to go extremely topical, but yesterday's news feed brought three stories in close succession with one thing in common - awful people continuing to be awful, some in exciting and new ways. And it stuck in both my head and craw, so it's time for a very current, very fresh SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!
New Hampshire Republicans are joining in on the national failed effort to force welfare recipients to take drug tests before receiving benefits. In the bill proposed by Donald LeBrune and Jeanine Notter, if you're poor and need federal help in New Hampshire, you'll have to arrange for, and pay for, a drug test from a private firm and bring the results in with your application.
If you pass, you get the $45 bucks for the test reimbursed with your benefits, so just tell your hungry kids to chew on some bark in the meantime, I guess.
It's more punish-the-poor rhetoric, this time from the Live For Free Or Die state, so of course they're passing it off as a compassionate attempt to identify the people with drug problems and get them the help they need. It's not so much a carrot-and-stick approach, it's more beating a hungry person with a stick painted to look like a carrot and then waving it in their face.
Still, that was only the second most awful legislation proposed by a Republican in a state whose name begins with "New" yesterday. That honor goes to New Mexico. ACTUAL PROPOSED BILL TIME!
"Tampering with evidence shall include procuring or facilitating an abortion, or compelling or coercing another to obtain an abortion, of a fetus that is the result of criminal sexual penetration or incest with the intent to destroy evidence of the crime."
Classy, huh? If you get raped, not only would you be forced to have the rape baby because of embryo-fetishist moralizing, you also get to have the baby because otherwise, New Mexico might not be able to prove you've been raped.
The bill's sponsor, Cathrynn Brown, claims her bill is meant to target the rapist or committer of incest who might otherwise force the victim to have an abortion to cover up the crime, and that the shitty language in the bill was the result of a "drafting error".
See? She's not an awful person, she's just incredibly shitty at her job and incapable of extrapolating the implications of 41 words until the entire country reads it on the Internet and yells at her. That's so much better.
But for unmitigated awfulness, you can't beat Larry Ward, founder of Gun Appreciation Day and the man who posited that slaves would have been better off if their masters had allowed them to have assault rifles. Anyway, GAD was such a huge success, with only five people injured in accidental shootings at gun shows, that he's moving on to his next big idea, as long as the suitable copyright issues can be worked out.
Are you ready? Because trust me, you're not ready.
"Django is perfect for what we’re trying to do, which is to promote gun rights to minorities. We’ll tackle the issue on the Democrats’ own turf.” - Ward, explaining the reasoning for his new initiative, "What Would Django Do?"
There is something almost charming about the terminally incompetent attempts at minority outreach by Republicans. I mean, first, he just called black people "Democrats' home turf", and then proposed to encourage them to use guns by following the example of a fictional slave who loves shooting white people. Clearly, he thought this through.