Gun Nut Appreciation Day

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Memo to gun nuts: I APPRECIATE YOU.

Fuck 'em. If they want to co-opt a day for Gun Appreciation, I can co-opt a day for Gun Nut Appreciation. Plus it works out nicely for one of the year's bonus columns.

For some reason, a child massacre and the subsequent reaction to it have riled up America's lead-lickers. I don't need to tell you this, of course. You're probably on Facebook and have seen how many of your old high school buddies think Obama is now Hitler. On the semi-professional side, it's not any better, which is why they're this week's bonus IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country's founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history." - Larry Ward, instigator of Gun Appreciation Day.

This is deeply fucking stupid, for reasons I don't need to go into because you all watch Daily Show and Colbert and, if you listened to me on Thursday, Totally Biased. Also, it's so obviously deeply fucking stupid that hermits in caves recognize how dumb it is.

But this, and the one about the Holocaust, and the ones after Aurora, all speak to the same mentality - that guns are so awesome, you can fix anything bad in history with a big enough time machine you load up with enough guns. It's like the anti-Prime Directive.

If Lincoln had had a gun, John Wilkes Booth would have died first like Greedo! If the civil rights movement had guns, they wouldn't have had to march on Washington! Oh, wait, sorry, that was another real one someone said. If General Custer had had guns, that would have only been his Penultimate Stand! If native tribes had only had AR-15's... oh, wait.

“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Having guns in the hands of the right people are not a hindrance. They are a means to protect.” - Montpelier, OH school superintendent Jamie Grime, explaining why his school district will be arming their janitors.

Um, first of all, while Joe Biden was having his gun control summit, a "bad guy with a gun" was stopped in Taft, California, by an unarmed teacher who talked the kid down. Jamie Grime clearly would have been much happier with another dead kid, shot by a janitor.

One thing nobody's talking about with their talk of giving janitors guns and having armed volunteers patrolling. We shouldn't even be ASKING janitors and volunteers to be using deadly force. Even in a justified situation, killing another person is not a casual act. And I'm sure it's doubly traumatic when, once you kill a fellow human, you're then paid minimum wage to clean up the blood with a bucket full of sawdust.

"What the hell is this?. He was elected president. Congratulations. This guy makes Richard Nixon look like a man who followed the law all the time. I think we have an imperial president. He sounds imperial, he’s arrogant as hell and so, I’m furious about this and I’m going to tell you why. We are a magnificent country. We don’t need to be turned upside-down." - Mark Levin, blowing a gasket on Fox News' "America Live".

Well, obviously, if we turned the country upside down, all the bullets would fall out of all the lead-lickers' Forever Lazy pockets. We couldn't have that. But what I really take issue with is Mark Levin's command of simile.

"A man who follows the law all the time"? What the fuck, Levin? Isn't the whole stated point of your gun-nuttery PREPARATION? You can't come up with a straight-arrow, law-abiding example locked and loaded for your rant? I know you're a wingnut, but you must have heard of a couple of fictional ones. The Lone Ranger would have worked. Kenneth The Page would have worked, even if 30 Rock is full of godless liberals.

For fuck's sake, man, you've authored three book-length wingnut screeds, two of which claim America's been destroyed. Surely the Word program you, Coulter, and Beck use to assemble sentences out of wingnut buzzwords has a search function you could have used to find an example. But no, Obama makes Nixon look like "a man who follows the law all the time". You're a disgrace to psychotic ranting, and Alex Jones is gonna make you repeat a grade.