Bonus Boners

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Memo to Centrum Silver, Trace Adkins, and Charlotte Allen: YOU ARE BONUS DUMB.

You shelled out for it, or at least some of you did, and here it is. The first bonus Saturday column of 2013. Quotes? I got quotes. I got three quotes. These quotes are from IDIOTS, and you know what these idiots are doing? I bet you know. They're SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"My wife takes Centrum Silver. I've been on the fence about it. Then I read an article about a study that looked at the long-term health benefits of taking multivitamins. They used Centrum Silver for the study, so I guess my wife was right." - Centrum Silver commercial.

One of my longtime... I guess I'd call it a habit. Or a hobby. One of my longtime hobbits is paying attention to what commercials aren't saying. And when I heard this vitamin commercial, I had a new winner.

Yes, scientists studying whether multivitamins do a goddamned thing used our multivitamin! Did it do a goddamn thing? Well, we're not saying, so what the fuck do you think the study said? Because if the study said they add five years to your life, we'd be plastering that factoid everywhere. Instead, we have a cranky married guy telling us that they studied Centrum Silver, so he might as well take it like his wife wants him to.

The best part, though? The on-screen disclaimer: "A prior formulation of Centrum Silver was used." So not only do they want you to buy it without telling you what the study found, they want you to buy a whole new formulation. This is why Big Pharma is such a problem. You can trust science, but you can't trust what business decides to do with it.

"As a proud American I object to oppression of any kind. To me, the battle flag represents remembrance of my Southern lineage – I am a descendant of Confederate soldiers who followed that flag into battle." - Country singer Trace Adkins, explaining why he wore a Confederate flag earpiece at the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting.

No.

You can't "represent" or "remember" your Southern heritage with the Confederate flag and also say you don't approve of that heritage. Especially if you're wearing a goddamned Confederate flag earpiece. He had to have that made. You know he didn't buy it from Beats By Dre.

His ancestors followed that flag into battle. His ancestors WERE WRONG. His ancestors LOST. His ancestors wanted to OWN BLACK PEOPLE. Don't fucking plaster the symbol of your wrong loser ancestors on your earpiece to sing Christmas carols in New York City. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

"There was not a single adult male on the school premises when the shooting occurred. In this school of 450 students, a sizeable number of whom were undoubtedly 11- and 12-year-old boys (it was a K–6 school), all the personnel — the teachers, the principal, the assistant principal, the school psychologist, the 'reading specialist' — were female. There didn’t even seem to be a male janitor to heave his bucket at Adam Lanza’s knees. Women and small children are sitting ducks for mass-murderers." - Charlotte Allen, in the National Review.

What's the point of having a bonus Saturday ISTDT if I can't use it to get around to the one bit of ridiculous Newtown commentary that I hadn't touched on yet?

I've heard a lot of commenters claim that more guns at Sandy Hook would have ended the tragedy, but Allen is the only one I know that's suggested more love guns. Vaginas aren't bulletproof! Nurturing can't pop caps in asses! The national drive to ban mustache-growing Americans from the public education system and the janitorial services has doomed our children!

I don't know what made me worry I wouldn't have enough quotes for the bonus columns. People are fucking insane.