A Tale Of Two Nutjobs

« October 2004 »
SuMoTuWeThFrSa
2
3
5
9
10
16
17
19
23
24
30
31

Memo to Alan Keyes: DON'T EVER CHANGE.

It's been a while since we've checked in with our old friend Alan Keyes, hasn't it? I don't know why it is that the hateful shit Keyes spouts doesn't piss me off the way it does coming out of, say, the Falwells of the world, but it does. I mean, let's take a look at a couple of quotes on the same subject. It's ACTUAL COMPARATIVE QUOTE TIME!

"I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry! ... And I'm going to be blunt and plain, if one ever looks at me like that I'm going to kill him and tell God he died!- Jerry Falwell, September 2004.

"If we do not know who the mother is, who the father is, without knowing all the brothers and sisters, incest becomes inevitable. Whether they mean it or not, that is what will happen. If you are masked from your knowing your biological parents, you are in danger of encountering brothers and sisters you have no knowledge of." - Alan Keyes, speaking out against gay marriage and homosexuality in general on Saturday.

See what I mean? That first quote still pisses me off. The only way any gay man would fuck Jerry Falwell is to sell the pictures to the media, and I don't think anybody's selfless enough to take that particular hit for Team Selfish Hedonism. Yet Falwell's ready to commit murder to prevent the one act his entire life, diet, and genetics have conspired every single day to prevent?! And what does he mean by "tell God he died"? Of course he'd be dead. You'd have killed him. That's the point. Does Falwell go around pointing out other obvious consequences to God? "Oh Lord, having just relieved my mighty bowels, I beseech thee, do not turn your omnipotent nose unto my bathroom, for it is most foul, and I may have left a floater."

The Keyes, quote, on the other hand, blows over my like a feather typhoon, all the force and bluster managing merely to tickle me a bit. It's as if Keyes finally got around to watching the original Star Wars trilogy*, saw what happened with Luke and Leia, and had the epiphany that all those kids growing up with two mommies or two daddies would end up unknowingly kissing their sibling to prove that they're not secretly in love with a scruffy-looking nerf-herder. It, like the rest of his campaign, is a complete fucking joke.

You know who endorses Alan Keyes? Jeanne Kirkpatrick, Reagan's U.N. ambassador. That's how desperate the GOP is about Keyes. They're pulling people out of mothballs who haven't been heard from since they got made fun of in BLOOM COUNTY. What's next, Caspar Weinberger? Keyes is down 40 or more points, and Obama's offering up his staff members to other campaigns that don't have the advantage of running against a completely crazy person. Maybe he should send a couple down to Kentucky, where Jim Bunning's only been outed as a nutjob in the last couple of weeks.

Keyes is unbowed and unchanged, thank goodness. "I think you are more likely to be called names if you are effective at articulating your position," Keyes said in a recent interview, which is true, but it does omit the crucial second step: that the position you're effective at articulating is that kids raised by gay parents will end up FUCKING THEIR SIBLINGS.

That's the kind of articulation that gets you called names, yes. Like "bat-shit crazy". The kind of thing that has the Illinois GOP infrastructure squabbling like ferrets in a sack over whose fault it is that you're the candidate. I probably should be more up in arms about you saying stuff like this, or that we shouldn't spend money on AIDS in Africa because it's caused by immoral behavior, but unlike Bush, or Falwell, or even Limbaugh, but the fact is, you'll never have any real power. Your tiny following would have been homophobic douchebags whether you spoke to them or not. So in November, you can go back to whatever it is you professional candidates do when you're not running - spewing your garbage in the guise of a radio show or "think tank" consultant, and then in two to six years, you'll be back saying more stupid, crazy shit to the press. And we can all start the laughing again.

So don't ever change, Alan. Keep railing against the selfish hedonists like your own (rumored) gay daughter, and blaming all the ills on the world on people who aren't making babies every ten months. Because every time you do, you show the true face of the far-right, and we all learn why it must be dressed up in frilly, "compassionate" sheep's clothing, lest it suffer your fate and only get 25% of the vote.

*Well, he probably watched the new DVD's, so "original" should technically be in Official Nerd Sarcasm Quotes.