Memo to Allen West, Keith Ablow, and Erick Erickson: YOU ARE DUMB.
Oh, idiots. What would I do without you? Your cluelessness, your mendacity, your je ne sais quoi le fuck. And those damndest things you keep saying! What would I do without the ability to make fun of them? I would have to think of something else.
"Look, you know, God closes a door so that he can open up greater doors. I will continue to, you know, stand up and fight for this country... and always remember, Abraham Lincoln only served one term in Congress, too. - Your friend and mine, soon to be former congressman Allen West, on his plans for the future.
I guess Allen West doesn't like windows.
You know, I wasn't a history buff in high school, but I don't remember Lincoln winning the Lincoln-Douglass debates by jacking Douglass up against a wall and firing a pistol next to his head. But that's just me.
I mean, West could have said "Lincoln hunted zombies too," and the comparison would have been just as apt. If Allen West wants to run for president, I'll welcome it, because that would be hilarious. But I bet he's going to help finish killing talk radio. You know, like Lincoln did.
"I think what this fellow is tapping into... is the fact that people don't want any meaning right now. It is just is sort of like a drug and that seems to be what most people seem to want right now. Not reality, not feeling, not meaning." - Fox News' Keith Ablow, taking a brief respite from constantly freaking the fuck out over everything not heteronormative, in order to explain "Gangnam Style" to a clueless and inquisitive Bill O'Reilly, on November 27, 2012.
I cannot stress enough that this? This was a thing that happened. This is what happens when Fox News has free time on its hands to catch up on pop culture after a heady and ultimately, for them, depressing election season. They take one look at the Internet, see what all the kids were paying attention to over the summer, and let their inner grandpa fly free. This can keep happening forever, as far as I'm concerned.
"Were I to run for the Senate, it would be a terribly nasty campaign. I’m not putting my family through that when the best outcome would mean a sizable pay cut in pay and being away from my kids and wife all the time huddled in a pit of vipers often surrounded by too many who viewed me as a useful instrument to their own advancement.” - RedState blogger and occasional CNN contributor Erick Erickson, explaining why he will not seek political office.
I think Erickson is flat-out wrong. Not about not running for office - his refusal to join the Senate is the only true proof Erickson has offered of his love of America in his entire life. No, I mean the "useful instrument" part. Nobody would ever confuse Erick Erickson with a useful instrument. He'd have to embark on a twenty year journey of self-discovery and improvement just to achieve kazoo status.
Though I do think it's funny that the leader of the pseudo-military Red State Strike Force is scared of a pit of vipers. Seems a bit... pussy. But I guess you can't get a couple hundred of your readers to order merchandise and have it delivered to the vipers as a meaningful defense, so Erickson's arsenal is somehow even more limited than you'd expect.