Mitt Romney. Because America.

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Memo to Mitt Romney: WHICH IS IT?

We're moving on to a critical phase of the election, the phase where we seek answers to questions that don't really matter. Because if you still, at this point, are using the answers to questions that DO matter before you decide how you're going to vote, go fuck yourself.

Anyway, today, Mondays With Mitt asks the unknowable question of the ages. Does Mitt Romney believe the right-wing talking point canards he spouts, does he use them shamelessly, knowing exactly what they are, or does he simply not put that much thought into it? I know where I'd place my bets. And it isn't on me coming up with a theme song before the election.

"No, you go to the hospital, you get treated, you get care, and it’s paid for, either by charity, the government or by the hospital. We don’t have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don’t have insurance.” - Mitt Romney, on how America is awesome.

Yes, they do.

Ignore, for a moment, that emergency room treatment is the least efficient, most expensive form of health care there is. Ignore that.

Yes, people fucking well do die in their apartment because they don't have insurance. It's a thing that happens. Partly because a lack of insurance means a lack of preventive coverage which means the thing that kills you kills you before you make it to the emergency room.

Mitt said this for the same reason everyone on the right says it - because it makes their opposition to expanding coverage to the poor seem less cruel than it actually is. And Mitt probably doesn't even believe it, unless he didn't believe it all those times he talked about how unpaid emergency room bills for last-minute coverage is a bad thing.

"I'm convinced that the path [Obama's] put us on is the path to Europe. Or, I jokingly say....to California." - Mitt Romney, taking liberties with the Electoral College system.

I'm not sure what effect, overall, a switch to a national popular vote would have on US politics, but I know one thing. The policy of demeaning and writing off entire states based on a stereotypical view of them would be left where it belongs, In the hands of incredibly witty web columnists who hate Tennessee.

Republicans love to shit on California for its hippies, its decadent leftism, its hippies, oh, and all the gay people too. And all the years it's spent under Republican governors like Schwarzenegger and Reagan. Oh, wait. It doesn't matter why they hate California, they hate California, and so Mitt Romney is going to jokingly hate California while making sure he tells you he's saying it jokingly because he's Mitt Romney and you wouldn't know otherwise.

Oh, and Mitt Romney owns at least one house in California, just so you know.

"[F]rankly, I was born with a silver spoon, which is the greatest gift you could have, which is to get born in America. I'll tell ya, there is -- 95 percent of life is set up for you if you're born in this country." - Mitt, talking to donors.

Remember when Mitt visited Papa John's mansion and thought everyone should live like that? Yeah. Well, Mitt thinks 95% of his life was set BECAUSE AMERICA, and so 95% of everyone's life is set BECAUSE AMERICA.

"Because America", is, of course, the Republican's answer to making things shittier in America. Because if America is magically the best, it doesn't have to be objectively the best, which means they can keep making it worse while keeping it the best.

Of course, Mitt Romney had 95% of his life set up because he was born white and to a rich family, but if you say that, that's class warfare and hating America. Why? BECAUSE AMERICA.