Happy Mondays

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Memo to Mitt Romney: FIFTEEN TO GO.

We are now four weeks away from the election, which means five more Mondays With Mitt. Because you know damn well the Monday before Election Day is gonna be one. But after that, I retire the feature for good, either because I'll have nothing to say about Mitt Romney for four years, or because I'll have everything to say about Mitt Romney for four years.

The point is, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And as I move into the light, I realize it's important to make the most of the time I have left. All that existential pondering, of course, left me no time to come up with a theme song. Plus, after the debate last week, I tried to think of any songs about lying or cheating, and came up completely empty. Apparently, they just don't exist. So let's get right into it. Time to have some fun.

"I was voted the president of my fraternity. They don’t call them fraternities at Brigham Young University. They’re called Service Clubs. It was the Cougar Club. But you don’t get voted to be head of your group if you don’t get along with people, if you don’t connect with people.” - Mitt Romney, explaining what a likable guy he is back at the end of August.

Now, I could focus on the fact that maybe, if you have to go back to college to find the last time a bunch of people really liked you in order to demonstrate your likability, then you're not as likable as you think you are. I could focus on all the things that have happened to Mitt since then that have made him such an unlikable fuckhole.

But I'm not going to, because Mitt Romney was president of the COUGAR CLUB. And if Romney can ignore decades of personality change, then I can ignore decades of linguistic change, and wonder what the "Cougar Club" at BYU was all about.

They're a "service club", after all. Were they in charge of "servicing" older Mormon housewives left unsatisfied by the performance of their boozeless, caffeineless, totally-not-polygamous-anymore husbands? I'm sure young college Mormons bring a lot of enthusiasm to the party. After all, they'll show up to your house in pairs to get you to cry out about God.

Of course, it's possible they could BE the cougars in this scenario, seeking out the sexual companionship of younger males. Not that there's any possibility at all a bunch of young Mormon dudes hanging out in a house together would have anything to do with that kind of behavior AT ALL.


"You've got a great boss, he runs a great operation here." - Mitt Romney, to coal miners in Utah.

Of course, I can't possibly reach election day without mentioning the rally at Murray Energy at least once. A rally that this "great boss", Murray Energy CFO Rob Moor, made them go to and did not pay them for.

When Moore was asked, he explained that attendance was "mandatory", but that nobody was "forced to attend". This seems like a complete contradiction in terms, but anyone who's worked for a large company knows EXACTLY what that means. It means they can't actively punish you for not showing up without breaking some law or other, but they want you there. And they'll notice if you're not there. And eventually, you'll notice that they've noticed you weren't there. So you show up, even though these fuckholes are taking a day's pay away from you to shill for a billionaire politician.

And, to add insult to injury, or, more accurately, because fuck it, Romney didn't get into any trouble for the rally in August, Romney went ahead and used the rally in a campaign ad in September, trying to convince coal miners he's their friend and Obama wants to turn them all into solar panels at his new green energy boondoggle, Soylentra. Or something like that. It's tough to keep track of all the different fake things Strawbama is supposed to support. The point is, Mitt Romney's a rich douchebag who exploits manual laborers.


"Go home and call 211." - Mitt Romney's reported advice to Hurricane Isaac victim and Louisiana resident (in the general sense) Jodie Chiarello.

Chiarello had explained to Romney that she lost everything in the flood. That "everything" included the home Mitt told her to go to. And we know she can't use a cell phone to call 211, because she's homeless, and cell phones are a LUXURY and if she had one, even a free "Obama phone", she'd be taking advantage of taxpayers. And since 211 is a number used by many state governments to connect residents with needed government services, she'd be doubly dependent on government handouts.

Of course, now Romney's said his famous 47% comments were "completely wrong", which means he's realized voters don't like them much. Because you can't repudiate that statement without repudiating the philosophy behind that statement, and I'm pretty sure that philosophy has not been repudiated, because in 2010, his Rand-worshipping running mate said:

"Right now about 60 percent of the American people get more benefits in dollar value from the federal government than they pay back in taxes. So we're going to a majority of takers versus makers in America and that will be tough to come back from that. They'll be dependent on the government for their livelihoods [rather] than themselves."

So, if taking is so bad, and making is so awesome, why isn't the Tea Party insisting we "make this country back"? I mean, the grammatical issues with the sentence aren't gonna stop 'em.