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Memo to Rick Perry, Allen West, and Mamie Sonnier: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

Every time the Middle East flares up in protest of some religious affront, Americans enjoy a feeling of superiority. Some of it's justified - we live better, happier lives than they do, so we're farther away from going apeshit over things just from our comfort level. Some of it, however, is based in a certain bigoted sense of religious superiority. So let's see if we can shrink the presumed daylight between the Awesome Us and the Barbaric Them in this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"Satan runs across the world with his doubt and with his untruths and what have you and one of the untruths out there is driven—is that people of faith should not be involved in the public arena." - Texas governor Rick Perry, explaining the nature of the separation of church and state in a reasoned, logical manner.

Oh, Rick. Sure, there's a book out there blaming your inability to remember the three departments you'd eliminate as President on undiagnosed sleep apnea, but you're still a fucking moron.

The separation of church and state doesn't mean people of faith can't be involved in the public arena. You should know this, because not only are you a person of faith, and involved in the public arena, but every single other person in the public arena, for all practical intents and purposes, is ALSO a person of faith, to one degree or another. The reason you can't name the atheists in public office isn't because there are too many to remember.

Also, stop blaming Satan for shit, you fundamentalist lunatic.

"My statement to the United Nations would have been, “The future does not belong to those who attack our Embassies and Consulates and kill our Ambassadors. The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle will visit you and wreak havoc and destruction upon your existence." - Rep. Allen West, the closest thing Congress has to an actual serving war criminal, providing his reasoned, logical approach to diplomacy.

Normally, I don't play the "Imagine If X Had Done Y" game, because there are too many actual double standards, demonstrable with quotes and evidence, to waste time making them up.

That said, I'm pretty sure Ahmedinajad has never threatened the West with a mighty djinn, in the form of a Persian peacock, who would wreak havoc and destruction upon our existence, and that if he did, it'd be used as prima facie evidence that that motherfucker is completely insane and should be forcibly removed from power.

Here in America, of course, it's considered bad form to call for regime change at the congressional level, but I know I'd be a lot happier if Allen West ended up in small-market talk radio in 2013. And I think you would too.

"As a Christian, I've read the Bible, you know go to church and stuff. I know where it's going to end up coming to, the mark of the beast. I'm not going to let my kids have that." - Louisiana parent Mamie Sonnier, explaining her reasoned, logical objection to a biometric payment system, specifically, palm scanners, at the cafeteria of Moss Bluff Elementary School.

And that, right there, is the Rick Perry constituency. The Allen West constituency. I mean, yeah, I was in school cafeterias in the 70s and 80s, so I'm not up to speed on the need for biometric scanners in an elementary school lunchroom. But I don't need to be up to date on that to be sure that it is not, in fact, marking grade schoolers for Satan.

And while I don't know for sure, I'm pretty fucking confident I can guess what Sonnier's thoughts on the plausibility of global warming are.