Buy My Candidate! SUCKERS!

« September 2012 »
SuMoTuWeThFrSa
1
2
4
8
9
12
15
16
18
21
22
23
29
30

Memo to Steve King, Dave Mustaine, and Laura Ingraham: YOU ARE DUMB.

If there's a theme to today's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS, it's that I haven't made fun of Steve King in a while, and fuck knows, the man's entire career exists to give me cause to make fun of him. If there's a secondary theme, it's that Clint Eastwood's empty chair wasn't an aberration. Well, it was, but the Fake Invisible Obama he argued with? That guy's been with the Republicans since 2008. And his legend keeps growing.

"It would have been awfully hard to fraudulently file the birth notice of Barack Obama being born in Hawaii and get that into our public libraries and that microfiche they keep of all the newspapers published. That doesn’t mean there aren’t some other explanations on how they might’ve announced that by telegram from Kenya. The list goes on. But drilling into that now, even if we could get a definitive answer and even if it turned out that Barack Obama was conclusively not born in America, I don’t think we could get that case sold between now and November." - America's Stupidest Congresscritter, Steve King, thinking he's being clever.

This is what's called Implausibly Deniable Birtherism, a popular school of birtherism amongst dipshit wingnuts who can't come right out and call Barack Obama a stealth Kenyan. What they do is, they describe something that is completely untrue as something that is probably untrue, and also something that wouldn't matter in the "unlikely" event it were proven.

See what they did there? They can pretend that they sound like they're not being birthers, but they're still splitting the difference between reality and birther fantasy, allowing birthers to maintain their fantasy. And the only people who can tell what you've done is, well, anyone with basic reading comprehension and motive-parsing skills. Which makes you safe when it comes to the media.

"Back in my country, my president is trying to pass a gun ban. So he's staging all of these murders, like the Fast and Furious thing down at the border and Aurora, Colorado, all the people that were killed there. And now the beautiful people at the Sikh temple." - Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine, to an audience in Singapore who thought they bought tickets for Metallica.

Of all the fake Obamas out there in Greater Wingnuttia, the Obama that's gonna take all your guns is the fakest. Forget Fast and Furious, forget all that crazy shit about Obama staging mass shootings, the most unrealistic part of Mustaine's tirade is the part about Obama trying to pass a gun ban.

When was the last time Obama, or any Democrat, made a serious attempt at a slight increase in gun regulations, much less a ban? We've had two or three shootings using extended-capacity clips, and the best the Democrats have mustered is having a couple of the more liberal ones make some noises about maybe doing something about that and the gun show loophole, then shutting up once the murders are out of the news cycle.

Whether you want them to or not, Democrats simply are not going to put gun control on their agenda. Not before the election, not after the election, not during the election, not ever. So try to channel that psychotic paranoia into something slightly more feasible. Or funnier.

"This is a gimme election, or at least it should be, If you can't beat Barack Obama with this record, then shut down the party. Shut it down. Start new, with new people." - Laura Ingraham, simultaneously missing and proving the point.

And here's where I think we see the biggest mistake the Republicans have made this election cycle. They've talked themselves into believing that Barack Obama is actually as bad as they're trying to convince US he is. Like an amateur hypno-rapist practicing their technique in front of a mirror, all they've managed to do is fuck themselves.

The Barack Obama that Clint argued with? That's a gimme election, sure. The Obama of newspaper comment threads, right-wing radio, and rabid conspiracy theories? No-brainer. The actual Barack Obama, who, despite his many, many flaws from this leftist's standpoint, still remains a charismatic, inspiring campaigner? That Obama is kicking your ass handily. I'd ask you to enjoy reconciling that bit of cognitive dissonance, but I'm tired of you looking at me like I'm trying to explain calculus to a hamster.