Bumblefuck Redux

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Memo to Mitt Romney & Company: HERE IS YOUR DUMB BOUNCE.

It's time once again for Mondays With Mitt! No theme song yet, because it's only been like three column-days since the last time there wasn't a theme song, and since I've never been bitten by a radioactive Marvin Hamlisch, I can't write a song that quickly. Let's get right into reminding you why Mitt Romney is awful.

"Mitt Romney says that if he paid more taxes than were required, he wouldn't be qualified to be president. The U.S. presidential candidate tells ABC News that American voters expect candidates to pay 'only what the tax code requires.' He says he hasn't calculated what percentage of his income was paid in taxes but says that he's been audited." - A news report on Romney during his trip to Jerusalem.

I can actually sort of kind of see Romney's point here. In one sense, I would want a president who's not a sucker. Who's smart enough to hire accountants and pay the correct amount in taxes. But there's a difference between paying what you owe, and going out of your way to move your money to foreign countries to deliberately minimize your tax burden.

The DNC attacked Romney on his "economic patriotism", which admittedly is, like all forms of patriotism, pretty fucking stupid. But there is a precedent, cough cough Bill Clinton cough, to attack presidential candidates for dodging service to the country. And since Romney's "get out of Vietnam free" card was Mormon missionary work, we'll have to substitute "tax dodger" for "draft dodger". Which is a slightly higher moral high ground, anyway.

"To that point, if people had been in Massachusetts, under Governor Romney’s health care plan, they would have had health care. There are a lot of people losing their jobs and losing their health care in President [Barack] Obama’s economy.” - Romney campaign spokesman Andrea Saul, explaining how a steel worker laid off as part of a Bain Capital takeover could have kept health care coverage for his wife, who eventually died of cancer.

In other words, it's good for everyone to be able to access affordable health care, even when they're out of work, which is why Mitt Romney set up Massachusetts with health care reform and an individual mandate, which is what Obamacare is, and that's why we must repeal Obamacare at any cost, because socialized medicine is bad even when it can keep unemployed people from dying.

Oh, and also, it's totally not fair to link the Romney-caused layoff with the Romney-caused loss of medical care that led to the not-caused-by-Romney death, because STOP BEING MEAN TO MITT ROMNEY!

"Well, the specifics are these which is those principles I described are the heart of my policy." - Romney, explaining yesterday on Meet The Press that, like so many other aspects of his campaign, the tax loopholes he's totally going to use to cut the deficit live in Canada, so you wouldn't know them, but they're really beautiful.

I don't even care about Romney's desperate attempt to get all the way to November without actually being forced to say what he'd actually do as President. He'll probably succeed in that, because the media sucks.

No, I'd just like to point to Romney's horrendous attempt to think on his feet, leading to this sentence that reads, disturbingly, like one of Dubya's greatest hits. How much of a bumblefuck is this guy? People compare him to The Smiler from Transmetropolitan, but I'm starting to worry that he's nowhere near that clever.