Bury My Heart At Wounded Brony

« June 2012 »


Let me get one thing perfectly clear right off the bat. This is not, I repeat, not, a defense of bronies. Bronies are what adult men who watch "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" call themselves, and as we've covered extensively in the past, any time a group of fans start to identify themselves as a named, organized group, they start getting fucking annoying.

You watch the show? Great. You're not part of the target demo? Great. That doesn't mean it's a thing, or has to be a thing. Not everything is a thing or has to be a thing. You can just watch a show and talk about it.

Unfortunately, fucksticks like Kurt Schlichter at Big Hollywood are doing their best to make sure the bronies think that it has to be a thing, by making it a thing. And being a dick about it in the process. In an article helpfully headlined "TERRIFYING NEW TREND: GROWN MEN WHO DIG 'MY LITTLE PONY'"*, Schlichter tackles the bronies and attempts to hold them down, Mitt Romney-style, while cutting off their long, flowing... manes? I hope they don't think they have manes.

" There are grown men out there who devote themselves to the rainbow-unicorn-sparkly-pastel fantasy world of the children’s TV show 'My Little Pony.' And, more appallingly, it’s not done ironically – they are proud of it."

Well, at the risk of angry e-mails from the horsey set, I'm betting a lot of it is a little bit ironic, and even more of it is the joy of transgressing traditional roles. We're not fucking talking about Adventure Time, here. There's an upper limit to how much of the brony cause can be driven by the pure artistic merit of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. And some of it's probably the furries, but that's as far down THAT road as I'm going today. This is about Kurt Schlichter's insecurities leading to the kind of bullshit masculine oppression that makes people feel they have to be "proud" to watch a TV show.

"It’s a freaking embarrassment. All the while, as these pathetic sissies giggle like school girls over magic unicorns that spray rainbows from their horns, real men – and women – who have put aside the temptation to retreat into a frivolous fantasy world are tromping through the wilds of Afghanistan. Such young adults, some younger (in years) than the “bronies,” are protecting all of us – including these pathetic weirdoes."

Oh, where to begin. First, how fucking small is Kurt Schlichter's penis that the mere sight of a unicorn and a rainbow can turn it into a tiny, child-like vagina? And no, that em-dashed "and women" aside isn't fooling anyone. This is about the patches of Kurt Schlichter's chest hair that never quite grew in right, and his fear that he may someday forget his torso merkin before going poolside and get mercilessly mocked for his apparent lack of testosterone. Also, watching a TV show isn't "retreating into a frivolous fantasy world", nor is it incompatible with military service. Nor, frankly, is it written that we must all behave in a manner the military approves before they'll "protect" us by invading and occupying the latest Middle Eastern country on the list.

"It makes me want to wretch. Yeah, some will say it’s unfair to compare a bunch of harmless fem-boys who stopped maturing at age seven with the heroic men and women facing death or dismemberment on all our behalves every day. People who say that are wrong. These perma-virgins ought to be ashamed of themselves, but if they had the capacity for shame, this disgusting obsession would be a secret they guard almost as closely as a Harvard faculty member might guard the fact that he’s a registered Republican."

I'd just like to say that, as a longtime purveyor of name-calling and over-the-top rhetoric, Schlichter really needs to tone it down, because he's revealing a lot more about his own disgusting obsessions than he is about bronies. Also, it's good to see that the writers and alleged "editors" at Big Hollywood are still rabid homophonophobes. But Schlichter reaches peak frothy incoherency when he tries to insist that it's this specific fandom he has a problem with, not all nerds. Ready? It's about to get fabulous.

"Watching James T. Kirk teaches young males key life lessons – that violence is an important option for defeating evil, that individual dignity is worth fighting for, and that scoring with green alien chicks is awesome. In contrast, “My Little Pony” inspires them to adopt brony names like Starfire Cuddlecakes and glue fake unicorn horns to their foreheads. Then go out in public."

There is absolutely no fucking daylight whatsoever between thinking "scoring with green alien chicks is awesome" and giving yourself a pony nickname. None. They're both deeply, truly, sadly nerdly. We're not even going to get into Big Hollywood's view of the life lessons of Star Trek. We've covered that ground recently. But it's arguable that hetero braggadocio about banging alien chicks is actually more juvenile, and a more harmful fantasy world, than wearing a unicorn horn in public. Nobody ever got date raped by a unicorn horn, after all.**

Anyway, the rest of the article is predictable shit once you know this much. Blah blah men blah blah Hollywood perverts blah blah. And then we hit the comments. Where all the conservative bronies out themselves and tear Schlichter a new one for being an insecure little wang-monkey. THAT IS NOT SARCASM. That actually happened. I was as surprised as you are. Schlichter raised his standard, unfurled a giant picture of an erect penis, and shouted "WHO'S WITH ME!", and even on Big Hollywood, there was the sound of crickets. That's gotta sting.

*I do think BH's new policy of allcapsing their headlines makes them more accurate descriptors of tone. Nice job.

**Don't research this. You know damn well what I mean.