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« May 2012 »

Memo to Best Buy, Marcus Bachmann, and Michael Wiener: YOU ARE DUMB.

OK, folks, what have we got going on? I'll be brutally honest, I'm a bit short on time, so today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY is going to be even more winging-it... a bit more wung? Than usual. Let's plow on down to the bottom of the pile and see what's been fermenting like dipshit kimchee.

Best Buy! I haven't talked about Best Buy yet! They've lost all kinds of top personnel lately stemming from the sudden resignation, and subsequent investigation, of former CEO Brian Dunn over what was referred to as "personal misconduct". I think we all know what THAT means.

That means a little under-the-blue-shirt, over-the-blue-bra action, if you know what I mean. That means Dunn offered, if rumors are to be believed, to show a female employee the extended service plan he had for her. In his pants. That means he offered her free in-home installation. Of his wiener. Into whatever wiener-compatible devices she happened to have. That means he had plenty of copies of high-def, 3-D, surround-sound O-faces in stock. It means he was playing hide-the-flash-drive.

The following itens are pure hearsay and not intended to be statements of factual conclusion of the Best Buy investigation. That he had an online dating profile that routinely understated his age by four years, but that he kept a copy in his house that showed the correct age when ladies insisted they look again. That he insisted on using Monster Cable brand condoms, which cost $30 a piece because they're lined in gold foil. That his partners got back five orgasms for every 250 orgasms they gave him, or seven orgasms if they were members of Fucking Premiere Silver, and through an affiliate program, they could earn bonus orgasms by eating out. And that he always, always, ALWAYS left the blue polyester shirt on.

Marcus Bachmann is still trying to cure people at his Minnesota witchdoctry clinic. I know this is incredibly shocking, but it's true.

Yes, months after the World's Straightest Husband (at least according to the mugs he's given on every wedding anniversary) insisted that his clinic doesn't perform or recommend reparative therapy, and that they weren't doing it anymore and anyway, they only did it when people asked real nice, like that guy who snuck in and caught them doing it on tape? They got caught on tape doing it again. Between the two incidents, by the way, one prominent member of the ex-gay community admitted he was gay and that the whole thing was a scam, and a scientist whose studies supported the ex-gay movement for years apologized because his studies were shitty.

But these are the Bachmanns. You can't expect them to learn from others' mistakes when they're clearly incapable of learning from their own.

And finally, a Republican named Wiener in a sex scandal you'd think you'd have heard more about. It's even based on photos!

Now, unlike Democrat Anthony Wiener's pics, New Mexico county commissioner Michael Wiener's pictures don't involve his wiener. They do, however, feature a bevy of Filipino "bar girls", or local prostitutes, and were taken in a notorious red light district during, what else? A long layover.

Wiener has refused to resign, insisting that nothing happened, and that "The pictures taken are as innocent as any that could be taken at Twin Peaks or Hooters here."

Call me a cynic, but I'm pretty sure citing a pair of establishments whose stated purpose everyone knows is secondary to a much more exploitative, titty-based business does not help your case. Also, "Twin Peaks"? The Southwest couldn't be happy with Hooters, they had to have an entirely different theme for their breast metaphor to go along with shitty burgers and wings? That's just gratuitous gratuitousness.