The Body Politic Is Contagious

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Memo to Mike Coffman, Ken Bennett, and : YOU WERE BORN DUMB.

Birthers are like herpes. You can hide them for a while, you can even suppress them with regular treatment, but you can never, ever be entirely rid of them, and every once in a while, especially during a stressful time like a campaign, you'll see a huge, ugly outbreak on the lips of America. We fake-celebrate the latest outbreak in today's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I don’t know whether Barack Obama was born in the United States of America. I don’t know that. But I do know this, that in his heart, he’s not an American. He’s just not an American... I misspoke and I apologize. I have confidence in President Obama’s citizenship and legitimacy as President of the United States. I don’t believe the president shares my belief in American Exceptionalism." - Colorado congressman Mike "Jack" Coffman, trying to raise money before the ellipsis, and trying to get away with how he tried to fundraise after.

Right. When I'm part of the eventual merit-based triumvirate that rules the globe*, everyone who goes into politics is getting a shock collar, and every time they say "misspoke" when they mean "pandered", "lied", or "said what I actually think", they get a shock. And when they eventually come up with a new euphemism that they think they can use to get everyone to leave them alone, well, I'm gonna reprogram the shock collars.

And I'd have a much easier time believing in American Exceptionalism if I didn't spend so much time reading quotes like this from Americans like Coffman, who'd have to undergo a magical transformation just to rise to the level of American Nonirritatingalism.

"I feel like I was just trying to glue the far little corner of the carpet down. And as soon as you just touch the carpet, the whole floor buckles.” - Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett, who is as good at metaphors as he is at being Secretary of State.

The corner of the carpet that was sticking up? Yeah, well, a bunch of Arizona birthers crawled out from under it and convinced Ken Bennett to start a one-man crusade to get some kind of super-special extra bonus confirmation from Hawaii beyond what they've previously provided.

And by "gluing it down", he meant "threatening to keep Obama off the Arizona ballot if Hawaii didn't come through.

And by "the whole floor buckling", he means being portrayed as an insane birther just because he listened to a bunch of insane birthers and tried to file the same kind of request insane birthers have been flooding Hawaii with for four fucking years.

So, the moral of the story? If you're annoyed and frustrated because you're being portrayed in the national media as a vindictive, probably racist conspiracy theorist STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.

"There are many Republicans who feel that Barack Obama is not a ‘natural born citizen’ because his father was not an American when he was born and, therefore, feel that according to the Constitution he’s not qualified to be president, should not have been allowed to be elected by the Electoral College or even nominated by the Democratic Party in 2008, so this is an election year. It’s a shot at him.” - Iowa GOP platform chairman Dan "Nurse" Racheter, explaining why the Iowa GOP platform has a birther clause in it.

Now, here, we have a completely different story. If you happen to actually be a vindictive, probably racist conspiracy theorist, own up to it! Dan Ratcheter does.

Of course, he's lying about the reason why Republicans believe that Obama's not a natural born citizen. The thing about the father is so easily disproven by readily available, unadulterated fact that you have to be willfully ignorant or lying to claim it as the basis of your so-called reasoning.

The reason Republicans believe that Obama's not a natural-born citizen is because they don't like him and he's black. Dan Ratcheter may not even believe that Obama's not a citizen - but he definitely doesn't like him, so he's going to "take a shot at him" in the state party platform, because that's what politics is all about.

That's not even sarcasm. It's not what governing should be about, but it's definitely what politics has always been about. Being as shitty as you can get away with to your opponent. And boy, can people get away with being shitty to Obama.

*If you get this reference, thanks for following YAD on Twitter.