She's Sick Of The Swiss!

« May 2012 »

GODDAMMIT. Swiss was right, and I just popped Swedish in for Marcus because I dont know why. Which means I didn't need to figure out a big explanation at seven in the goddamned morning, I just had to change two country names. Enjoy this exciting look into my process, folks. Sometimes, comedy isn't pretty. I'm gonna leave things as they are so that these correction paragraphs make sense now.

RIGHT. Here's the deal. My brain became so enamored with the comedic possibilities of Switzerland that I suffered a mild cognitive delusion where every time I read a news story that said "Swedish" over and over, I substuted "Swiss"in my head. But it's good to know so many of you read the column. Before seven o clock in the motherfucking Central time morning, no less. And have access to your e-mail.

So my options are basically to either write a bunch of jokes about meatballs and IKEA, announce that this column comes from one of the parallel universes from that Community episode (the one where Shirley gets the pizza, obviously), or start a new series called FUCKUP FRIDAYS where I deiberately change one fact so that jokes work better. Or just leave it up an explanation because the cyborg paragraph is more important to me than my pride.

Memo to Michele Bachmann: YODEL-A-HEE-OOPS!

Being the Internet's leading purveyor of small-batch artisanal free content for eight years is not always the most rewarding avocation in the world. The hours are long, the physical toil is draining, and for some reason, my feet are stained purple. I don't know why.

But sometimes, something happens that makes it all worthwhile. And sometimes, two things happen in a matter of days that make it all worthwhile.

First, I learned that Michele "Bätšhït" Bachmann was a Swiss citizen.

DO NOT PANIC. Contrary to my wildest hopes and fears, Bachmann is not, in fact, a deep cover cyborg agent of the Swiss government with the ability to unfold knives, corkscrews, and other implements of destruction from her arms and legs. She's also an American citizen, so just cut that sudden returning pride in America off at the pass.

See, her husband, Marcus, was born in America to two Swedish citizens. That makes him a dual citizen by Swedish law. When Michele married him in 1978, she got dual citizenship as well, along with, I can only assume, some Tupperware and three copies of the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack album.

Now, I don't particularly care about Bachmann's Swiss citizenship. You could almost say I'm totally neutral about it. Sure, it's a bit odd it didn't come up while she was, you know, running for President. And it's an odd thing to have for someone who hates European socialism so much. But whatever. It's by far the least of her problems as an American and a human being.

And then, something magical happened. She stopped, or announced she was about to stop, being a Swiss citizen anymore.

Apparently, the revelation was such a shock to people that Bachmann filed to renounce her citizenship yesterday. ACTUAL REASONING TIME!

"I want to make it perfectly clear: I was born in America and I am a proud American citizen."

Interesting phrasing there. It was always clear that Bachmann was born in America. She married a Swedish citizen and so she got Swedish citizenship. That's clear. Anyone would realize that having dual citizenship in a European country on a technicality for 30 years doesn't mean you weren't born in America... wait a second.

There is a group of people in this country who might think that. They are called morons. They make up 100% of the birther community, a nearly identical percentage of the Tea Party, and are, of course, a vital part of the Bachmann constituency.

Michele Bachmann was forced to give up her dual citizenship to appease a bunch of jingoistic fucktards who don't understand basic laws regarding citizenship, because jingoistic fucktards with limited understanding are the only people who will vote for her.

And if that's not all kinds of awesome, I don't know what is.