You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
The Most Unlikely Force For Good Ever
Memo to Bryan Fischer: FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THANK YOU FOR BEING SO AWFUL.
Today, I would like to share a moment with you. A moment that is, by far, my favorite moment of the 2012 presidential campaign. Better than when Tim Pawlenty failed, bailed, then admitted he bailfailed. Better than Michele Bachmann dropping out of the race. Better than Rick Perry's inability to count to three. Better, dare I say it, than Herman Cain singing a Pokemon song.
The best/worst part? My favorite moment of the campaign was brought about by my least favorite person on the planet. The American Family Association president whose vileness and stupidity span the geological time scales he refuses to admit the existence of, Bryan Fischer. Fischer discussed the resignation of Romney aide and openly gay walrus-worshipper Richard Grenell again on his radio show, and produced the single greatest quote in wingnut history. Ready?
ACTUAL MOTHERFUCKING QUOTE TIME!
"Let me ask you this question, people have raised this question, if Mitt Romney can be pushed around, intimidated, coerced, coopted by a conservative radio talk show host in Middle America, then how is he going to stand up to the Chinese? How is he going to stand up to Putin? How is he going to stand up to North Korea if he can be pushed around by a yokel like me? I don’t think Romney is realizing the doubts that this begins to raise about his leadership. I don’t think for one minute that Mitt Romney did not want this guy gone; he wanted this guy gone because there was not one word of defense, not a peep, from the Romney camp to defend him. They just went absolutely stone cold silent, they put a bag over Grenell’s head, they even asked him to organize this phone conference and they didn’t even let him speak at the conference that he organized."
I can't decide if this is the world's stupidest application of evil genius, or the world's smartest application of evil stupidity.
Fishcer has trapped Mitt Romney in a situation where, if Mitt Romney takes either of two choices, he loses. And since it's Mitt Romney, he'll take both choices, so he'll lose TWICE. Fischer spends weeks hounding Romney and urging the rest of the artists formerly known as the Moral Majority to hound Romney because Romney had the gall to make a sodomite his foreign policy spokesman.
And Romney gives them what they want. He sidelines Grenell, refuses to defend him, and then expresses public regret when Grenell realizes he's being fucked over and quits. Fischer gets everything he wants! The homo is gone! It's a big win for Fischer, and we know this because Fischer sat in front of the microphone he had specially constructed by Nazi scientists to withstand the torrent of bile that issues from his mouth, and SAID IT WAS A BIG WIN.
They got what they wanted, so now they'll shut up and leave Romney alone, right? WRONG. Fighting for a "homosexual activist" means Romney's weak for cock. But not fighting for a homosexual activist just means he's weak! Bryan Fischer has completely pwned Mitt Romney!
Of course, that means that Bryan Fischer has just pwned the only dude who's got a shot at keeping Barack Obama from getting a second term. Made him look like a gay sympathizer to the Bigot Base, then made him look like a pussy to the Bigot Base. And the irony is squared, because you know who, as a neocon dickhead, would have advised Romney to stand up to North Korea, China, and Russia? Richard Grenell, that's who.
The only twisted logic I can see to it is that Fischer and the religious right want Romney to lose, so that they can claim he lost because he was too liberal, and the GOP needs to nominate someone like Rick Santorum in 2016. But that would mean that Bryan Fischer is adopting the decades-old strategic planning of centrist Democrats. And nobody's THAT stupid... are they?
The best part of this? I bet MItt Romney isn't any smarter than Barack Obama. He just negotiated with a bunch of people far to the right of him. He gave them everything they wanted, tried to pass it off like he'd held to his principles, and instead of thanking him for it, the right-wing extremists just doubled their attacks and made whatever he did out to be the wrong thing, even if they themselves were supporting the exact same thing just days before.
Sound familiar? Think Romney will remember this the next time he's faced with fighting or giving into the Moral Majority? Never gonna happen. He'd need bigger balls than even he can buy.