Suck Globally, Also Suck Locally

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Memo to Mary Franson, Mary Franson, and Paul Gazelka: YES, YOU TOO.

Being a state legislator is, by and large, a thankless job. Not because our nation's state legislators toil tirelessly for the common man without the appreciation that is their just and rightful due, but more because so many of them suck that they almost never do anything worth thanking them for. This is even true, by which I mean especially true, in Minnesota. So it's time to honor our local talent in this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I’ll read you this little funny clipped [sic] that we got from a friend. It says, ‘Isn’t it ironic that the food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever. Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to please not feed the animals, because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.’" - Mary Franson, Republican representative from Alexandria, which is not one of Minnesota's larger urban centers, let me put it that way.

This is where our own Mary Franson made her national debut. Now, the idea that giving humans money to buy food is equivalent to feeding wild animals is not a new one in conservative circles. It's a fairly standardly constructed false equivalency designed to use conservatives' inherent racism to bolster their inherent callousness. Conservatives call that "being clever".

She apologized, but for being offensive, not for being wrong. And more importantly, she failed to apologize for passing off some right-wing e-mail forward bullshit as important insight worthy of including in a "week in review" YouTube video. Hell, if you ask me - and by clicking on the link to You Are Dumb Dot Net, you enter an implicit contract which allows me to claim that you did, in fact, ask me - she should be apologizing for putting videos of her speaking up on YouTube in the first place. It's shit like that clogging the tubes that stalls my streaming.

"House Floor prayer today may as well been dedicated to "Mother Earth", coincidence? I think not. 2nd offensive prayer in a month." - Mary Franson, on Twitter, proving there's no hip Web 2.0 social infrastructure she can't ruin.

Every time this topic comes up, I ask myself, why the fuck are our legislatures opening with prayers at all, let alone frequent ones? Most of the rest of us manage to go to work and do our jobs without our bosses inviting someone in to pray first. Even the religious ones. I realize state legislators need all the help they can get, but I also realize that, according to the evidence, this shit ain't working.

By the way, the prayer Franson was so cranky over? It basically said God wouldn't approve of the Gulf oil spill. Which apparently now falls under the realm of HIPPIE BULLSHIT, I guess because liberals thought millions of barrels of crude gushing into the ocean was a bad idea. At least the other prayer she was referring to hating she hated because it was pro-gay. I mean, it's ignorant and bigoted, but at least it's ignorance with historic precedent, and not just knee-jerk spite at work.

"Comparing Viagra to RU-486 was comparing apples and oranges or more like comparing life and death. Viagra is a wonderful medical advancement in that can help couples with sexual disfunction issues…it can even help in producing life. RU486 always destroys life by taking the life of the unborn child." - State Senator Paul Grazelka, on his plan to restrict RU-486.

Luckily, our governor vetoed Grazelka's bill, which, similar to one that known asshole Scott Walker just signed in Wisconsin, would require a doctor to be present when a woman takes RU-486. Which, as Grazelka's quote above makes patently clear, isn't about making drug-induced abortions safer, but is instead about making them more difficult. More hoops to jump through on the road to forced pregnancy, yay!

Oh, and the only life Viagra helps in producing is the life of limp dicks past their prime, so that elderly men can have lots of recreational, non-procreative sex. You know, the kind women can't have because, well, they're women, not men. Individual boners are sacred, wombs are communal property. Live four hours from a doctor and don't want to raise a baby to adulthood? Paul Grazelka isn't interested. Want your three-and-a-half-inch, wrinkly man-rod to spray fine white dust all over your presumably consensual, presumably heterosexual, presumably married partner? Paul Grazelka's got... well, not your back, exactly, but you know what I mean.

If the states are the laboratories of democracy, then someone should probably seal off the doors. The experiments are escaping and infecting the townsfolk.