The Internet's Sexy, Sexy Bottom

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Memo to Internet news commenters: JUST BANG A DUDE ALREADY.

There is a saying - "never look at the bottom half of the Internet". For most people, that's good advice. Comments sections are horrible, horrible things, full of the stuff your fellow human beings are actually thinking and saying. Mankind was not meant to see that. But YAD readers and YAD writer? We are made of sterner stuff. We gaze at the bottom half of the Internet because it is there. Because it is a quick, dirty, and admittedly wildly inaccurate snapshot at the state of thinking on a particular subject in the society at large. And sometimes, it's just fucking hilarious.

As soon as I saw the reports of the scientific study linking anti-gay views with repressed homosexual attraction, I knew I'd be enjoying the comments sections to an almost unhealthy degree. It's not a conclusive study, of course, but it does scientifically delineate behavior we're all very familiar with around these parts, plus it's fucking hilarious to watch a bunch of guys in lab coats publicly imply that a lot of bigots thirst for cock, but hate gay people because their parents would have hated them if they came out.

The best part about this news is how completely and utterly unfair it is to the bigots, because the louder they protest in the comments, the more repressed gay they're implied to be. Can they resist, given this catch-22? Do they think "catch-22" is some gay thing? Let's look at some comments and draw some cruel, possibly inaccurate, and immensely satisfying conclusions, shall we?

"This is so FULL OF CHIT ! I don't hate them, But dont like to be around them or see that CHIT. I never had or will have tendencies for another man. The NEW MAFIA and all rights goes to HOMO'S. What up with this chit now a days. EVERYONE ISN'T GAY ! I heard Gay is the new straight. SMH This gotta stop" - "MAD MAN NYC TO LA", in the New York Daily News.

Let's see. Doesn't like to be around them. Insists he has never, ever, ever, ever, had tendencies for another man. Has a nickname that reads like the headline to a gay Craigslist ad. I mean, obviously, "everyone" isn't gay. I'm sure there are plenty of well-adjusted straight liberals, and even some fiscal conservatives, who don't suppress their urges into ravings about the mafia, which is, by the way, an insular brotherhood in which a bunch of dudes hang out together in fancy restaurants. I do not know what "SMH" stands for because, again, I don't read Craigslist, but the possibilities are damn near endless.

"I can see the correlation between bigotry and authoritarian parents. However, I offer a better explanation: Authoritarian parents enforce strength from order and discipline. When people deviate from the norm (i.e. homosexuality), that is undisciplined behaviour and a weakness to the strength of the whole. This could explain why the military is so against allowing open homosexuality because the military draws strength from order. I come from an authoritarian household, and admittedly, my gut-reaction to homosexuality is negative. I only accept homosexuality in principle, reflecting my esteem for individual rights and freedoms. - Billy Chung, also from outer space, in the pages of the Huffington Post.

I don't want to be too hard on (phrasing!) Billy here. I'm not sure exactly how far his esteem for individual rights and freedoms go toward countering his gut reaction toward gays. But I gotta say, the lack of self-awareness it takes to go into a thread about how repressed homosexuality + authoritarian parents = homophobia, then cop to two parts of that equation while denying the third? That's fucking awesome. Also, homosexuals weaken the strength of his hole.

Guess: Guess Who, God is the one that gave us what is normal; the evil one, your unearthly father, gave you the sin of your death style. The results of the filth of homosexual activities attacks all of us: you have given us AIDs, you have driven up the cost of medicine and health care and you have endangered every-body's lives and the world for starters. The massive divorce rate goes hand in hand with the use of birth-control and the high rate of bastard children (no father) is because of lust, the very same thing that you frauds call love. GOD WILL NOT BE MOCKED and He will punish us for our sins, straights and freaks." - JMJ, deep in the cesspool of wingnuttia that is the Daily Caller.

JMJ actually may put the lie to this study. Because I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible for anyone to be gay enough to be this full of hate and bile. I'm not sure there's enough gay on Logo and Bravo to add up to this. Fred Phelps read this comment and e-mailed JMJ asking him to "dial it back a bit, you're making the rest of us look bad".

That said, I bet JMJ is still a little bit gay.

"Call me a homophobe if you want to, but deep down you know I love the sinner, and hate the sin. And contrary to this study I actually harbor no homosexual urges. In fact, another study states that only 10% of people ever have homosexual desires in their life, but the opposition to homosexuality is much stronger than that. Sorry, myth debunked! This study is bogus!" - Chad, in the International Business Times.

I'm pretty sure loving the sinner and hating the sin is exactly what this study revealed, if you know what I mean. And I think you know. Deep down. You know, if you'd just openly cling to a dude, Chad, the way you cling so desperately to that Kinsey 10% number as if that mathematically absolves you, you'd probably be a lot happier, and spend a lot less time commenting on the website of the International Business Times. Just saying.

" Thats like saying those university demigods must be queer because they've come up with this bafflegab." - 99Bandit, in the Toronto Sun.

I actually don't have anything to say to this, I just wanted to put it here because Canadian repressed homosexuals are so goddamned adorable. Demigods! Bafflegab! It's like a Harry Potter novel, only with a lot more gay subtext.

My favorite part of all this? If the people objecting so strongly to this study had the tiniest inkling of scientific literacy, and how to extrapolate back from news articles about science to what the actual paper being reported on actually said, they wouldn't be nearly so defensive. But since so much of their science knowledge comes from the Bible, they practically crush each other in their zeal to accidentally out themselves. It is, as the saying goes, to laugh.