Memo to Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, and Rick Santorum: SEEYA, FROTHY!
As expected, albeit not as simultaneously feared and hoped, Rick Santorum will not be the 2012 GOP nominee for president. He suspended his campaign yesterday, which is just like quitting except that people can still give you money. I mean, I'm pretty sure Herman Cain's campaign is still just "suspended". Anyway, like so many before him, his exit from the race and any position of potential power ends my large-scale interest in him as a wretched specimen of humanity, so it's time to clear out the pile and give Silent P a rousing IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS sendoff.
"If you look at every European country that has had world domination, a world presence, from the French to the British -- 100 years ago, the sun didn't set on the British Empire. If you look at that empire today -- why? Because they lost heart and faith in their heart in themselves and in their mission, who they were and what values they wanted to spread around the world. Not just for the betterment of the world, but safety and security and the benefit of their country." - Rick, Sioux City IA, right around the dawn of 2012.
You know, back when Gingrich blasted Obama's "anti-colonial" world-view, I think we all looked at each other and wondered if these people were actually pro-colonial? Well, it turns out they are. And it turns out that Rick Santorum thinks the British lost their totally awesome empire, which must have become totalliy awesome right after America kicked them to the curb but long before any dark-skinned people did, because they stopped believing in themselves.
It's not that they were spread too thin, it's not that the people they oppressed finally kicked their pasty asses the fuck out of a few continents, it's because they lost sight of their values. And since Obama is causing America to lose sight of ITS values, we're headed for the same fate - an end to American global oppression! And now Rick Santorum won't be able to stop that.
"We were put on this Earth as creatures of God to have dominion over the Earth, to use it wisely and steward it wisely, but for our benefit not for the Earth’s benefit." - Rick, Colorado, late February.
This, by the way, was Rick Santorum's entire environmental policy, which, in shorter form, means "God said white people can have all the oil they want."
I can just imagine a college-age Santorum explaining to his landlord that, well, the landlord gave Rick dominion over the apartment, and so Rick is using the apartment for his benefit, not the apartment's. And it is in Rick's benefit to leave empty pizza boxes and gay porn all over the place, dammit! That's wise stewardship!
"The dangers of carbon dioxide? Tell that to a plant, how dangerous carbon dioxide is." - Rick, in Mississippi, where they listen to that kind of thing, in mid-March.
This was actually one step on a big swing of speaking engagements that included a stop at a burn ward, where he told the patients to "tell that to a human, how dangerous oxygen is". Then he stopped at a deep-sea diving convention, where he suggested they talk to plants to learn how dangerous nitrogen is. The whole thing culminated in a speech in front of the EPA, where he told a crowd of cheering teabaggers, "Tell that to one of those bug-aliens Sigourney Weaver* fought, how dangerous concentrated sulfuric acid is?"
You can't tell a plant how dangerous carbon dioxide is, because like Rick Santorum, PLANTS DON'T LISTEN TO SCIENTISTS.
"Woodstock is the great American orgy. This is who the Democratic Party has become. They have become the party of Woodstock. They prey upon our most basic primal lusts, and that’s sex. And the whole abortion culture, it’s not about life. It’s about sexual freedom. That’s what it’s about. Homosexuality. It’s about sexual freedom.” - Rick, way back in 2008, when it was just adorable that he was running for President.
From this paragraph, I can only assume that Rick Santorum lost his man-on-man virginity to a hippie, and that hippie never called him back. Imagine how different history would be if that hippie had just let Rick down easily! So much repressed psychosis could have been averted.
Farewell, Ricky. It's never been fun, and it's never been real, so I can't say it's been real fun, but a part of me will always wish that it was Barack Obama, rather than the Republican electorate, who crushed your dreams, just because that REALLY would have pissed you off on account of him being bl... ah. Yeah, that's it. Blah.
*It took every ounce of willpower I had not to type Sigaroonie Weavers there, and I still need this footnote as methadone.