Ignored Simplicity: A Tribute

« April 2012 »

Memo to the media, Stall Brook Elementary, and Dunkerton High: IGNORE THIS ADVICE.

Eschaton, the damn fine lefty blog run by the inestimable Duncan Black (Atrios), turned ten years old recently. And in honor of him making me feel young, since one of the things he does best is provide incredibly simple advice to people, politicians, and organizations who repeatedly ignore that advice, I thought I'd do the same thing for this week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY. Since I'm me, and not Duncan, I'll wax more verbose than he does, of course.

Mitt Romney has been going around arguing that Barack Obama "spent too much time at Harvard". Barack Obama spent three years at Harvard. Mitt Romney spent four years at Harvard. I think we all can see the problem here. Even the members of our esteemed media could do this math with the hand that's still free while they masturbate to Sarah Palin.

So here's a piece of simple advice. About eight years ago, John Kerry said he voted for an $87 billion military funding bill before he voted against it. This was unfortunate. It was inartful. And it was also true. This quote would go on to define Kerry's entire candidacy in the eyes of the media, and may have cost him the election.

Mitt Romney's statement, in addition to being unfortunate and inartful, is clearly a lie, because if Barack Obama spent too much time at Harvard, Mitt Romney spent 133% of too much time at Harvard. So my advice to the media would be to treat this quote in exactly the same way you treated Kerry's, only a bit more so since it's a deliberate falsehood. This advice will, of course, be ignored.

And while we're on the subject of Massachussetts flip-floppers, Stall Brook Elementary, in Massachussetts, just reversed its decision to change the lyrics in a student performance of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The U.S.A." from "God Bless The U.S.A." to "We Love The U.S.A."

Conservative radio got wind of the change, raised holy hell about the War On God And Patriotism or some such bullshit, and the school folded.

I have an important bit of advice for Stall Brook Elementary, advice that comes much too late and will surely be ignored in the future. If you're concerned about the religious overtones of a song, don't choose to perform GOD BLESS THE U.S.A. Also, if you're interested in teaching your students about the power of music, don't choose to perform GOD BLESS THE U.S.A. I don't say this about much, but the fact that God's in it is the least offensive thing about that jingoistic pile of crap. It's the Shitkicker National Anthem, for fuck's sake.

Making children sing Lee Greenwood songs, even secularized ones, is worse than school prayer. It's state-sponsored idolatry. It's flag-worship. It's jerking off into Old Glory. The fourth grade assembly was about GEOGRAPHY. There are songs about geography out there. I know this. I own Animaniacs on DVD, for fuck's sake. Lee Greenwood mentions EIGHT geographical locations. Yakko names every country on the fucking planet, or at least every one circa the mid-90s minus one or two. And his song's never been sung by a drunk pigfucker from the back of a pickup truck. Controversy solved!

And speaking of schools and inappropriate musical performances, I have a simple message for Dunkerton High School in Iowa, the staff of whom were shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, when the band Junkyard Prophet launched into anti-gay (and wildly inaccurate) preaching during their concert at the school. The superintendent insisted that it would never happen again, and that they must have changed their message since they last performed.

Junkyard Prophets, the band, is promoted by You Can Run But You Can't Hide ministries out of Minnesota. The head of YCRBYCHM is Bradlee Dean. Bradlee Dean has blamed the Nazi rise to power on the fact that they were all gay, and said that Sharia law was arguably more moral than Christianity because it calls for the execution of homosexuals.


If you cannot figure out that Bradlee Dean's house band is going to talk some shit about gays on stage, then you really have no business whatsoever educating children, and should be forced to resign and work in a fast food restaurant I will never visit because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt you won't be able to figure out my order, either. But I bet you'll ignore this advice, too.