You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
What Were They "Thinking"?
Memo to Victoria Jackson, Darrell Issa, and, of course, Ann Romney: YOU ARE DUMB.
One of the challenges of writing You Are Dumb Dot Net is figuring out just what the fuck is going on in the heads of some of the stupidest people on the planet. Because you can't really properly analyze and mock stupidity unless you understand it. But sometimes, the thought processes, or the electrochemical reactions that pass for thought processes in the truly moronic, elude even me. What I'm trying to say is, IDIOTS REALLY DO SOMETIMES SAY THE GODDAMNDEST THINGS!
"I just went to a briefing in Washington, D.C., across the street from the Capitol, at the Longworth building at 8:30 am two days ago and it changed my life. For six hours, I saw pictures and names and dates and facts and Islamic law books and Korans, Surahs for six hours and they proved to me ... that the Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated our highest positions in government and this is serious." - Victoria Jackson.
This quote is from the ass end of 2011. It's been sitting in my pile ever since. You see, it comes from "Politichicks", a web show started by Victoria Jackson. Since then, they've made at least 33 episodes, although their incrdibly poor website doesn't regularly number the episodes or show them in date order so I can't be sure of the exact number. I have not watched it. Ever. Because I value my sanity. And I know my sanity would be at risk, because that quote above was reported from one of the earliest episodes.
This quote raises all kinds of questions, only a few of which have anything resembling answers. Who would talk to VIctoria Jackson for six hours? (The usual gang of Bush-era "counterintelligence" experts making big dime pimping Islamophobia to the perpetually gullible.) How did Victoria Jackson listen to anything for six hours? How could a meeting like this change Victoria Jackson's life? She was convinced before this meeting we were all going to be overrun by swarthy hordes, she's convinced after the meeting. NO LIFE CHANGE.
Also, I think we all know what she means by "The Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated our highest positions in government." She means that one position. The one with the "Muslim" "brother" from the "hood".
"We’re going to establish a very different policy. One, that we have a president who will respect the Constitution, not try to convert it to some South African Constitution." - Rep. Darrell Issa, the man responsible for investigating things in the House of Representatives, at some California Republican circle jerk back in February.
I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about. ThinkProgress seems to think it's some muddled reference to Ruth Bader Ginsberg's misquoted praise of the South African Constitution, but I guarantee you nobody in that room, Issa included, has the slightest fucking idea what's IN the South African constitution. They probably think apartheid's still in it, and they probably think apartheid is where black people oppress white people, and that's why they think Obama wants to bring it here. Maybe.
Or, you know, it just sounds foreign and has the word "African" in it and that was good enough for California Republicans! Given the number of things over the past 50 years that have been good enough for California Republicans, anything's possible.
"“Well, you know, I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out because he is not!” - Ann Romney, answering the charge that her husband is stiff.
See, it's funny, because it sounds like she's talking about his penis, and he's impotent. I mean it's REALLY funny, because it really, really, really sounds like she's ensuring that America is aware that her husband is a flip-flopper in every possible sense of the word.
So Mitt Romney's a giant fucking doofus who jokes about his dad laying off factory workers and postpones installing an elevator for his cars in his new house because it looks bad. And his wife has already said she doesn't think she's wealthy, and achieved national ridicule for accidentally revealing that Mitt's magic underwear is just an illusion.
And they're the intellectuals who are going to win the nomination and save us all from the Muslim Brotherhood's secret mole? It really makes you wonder what the fuck they're thinking.