And To The Retardos, For Which It Stands

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Memo to 247 members of the House of Representatives: YOU ARE DUMB.

The Capitol Building is not your fucking elementary school playground, and the law of the land is not "TAG! NO TAGBACKS!". Every last one of you who voted for the law that says the courts can't rule on the Pledge of Allegience ought to be impeached and thrown out of office for either ignorance or deliberate ignoring of how the government you are a part of works.

Yes, tired of those pesky courts, full of "activist judges" getting in the way of the legislative branch doing whatever the hell it wants to, the House passed a bill, 247 to 173, that would prohibit any federal court, including the Supreme Court, from ruling that the words "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance are unconstitutional.

That means that two hundred and forty seven of our elected representatives are whining babies who are either malicious, stupid, or both. Hell, calling them whining babies is an insult to whining babies, who at least have an excuse for their squalling. You cannot overturn a fundamental power granted to a branch of gorvenment by our Constitution, a system that has served us for 228 years, by passing a LAW. The system doesn't work that way. And if you don't understand that, you shouldn't be in office, and if you do understand that and don't care, then you REALLY shouldn't be in office.

And if you're going to vote to overthrow the government, which is essentially what you're doing, could you find a better reason to do it than over the goddamn, doghumping, irrelevant, meaningless, insipid, annoying, thrice-forsaken PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE?! What is wrong with you people? Missouri representative Todd Akin, the short-bus General Patton of the 247th Fuckwit Division, said that if "under God" were to vanish from the pledge, it would have "emasculated the very heart of what America has always been about".

Get this man a copy of Gray's Anatomy and a history book, STAT. First of all, Captain Akin of the S.S. Mixed Metaphor, hearts do not have cocks. Hearts cannot be "emasculated", and by assuming that either the biological organ "heart" or the metaphorical "heart of America" is a well-hung man, swinging free in the land of the brave, you reveal much more about your own inner, repressed, Republican psyche than any of us wanted to know. You can't emasculate a heart. You can't emasculate a skull either, which is a shame, 'cause I'd pay for the surgery myself if it meant we had 247 fewer dickheads in the House of Representatives.

And if "under God" is the very heart of what America has always been about, then why, if you'll pardon me covering the same ground I had to cover the last time this issue came up, has it only been in the pledge for FIFTY YEARS? Boy, it's a good thing all those enlightened, jingoistic, 1950's fucks realized what all those stupid Founding Fathers hadn't noticed, and put that "under God" into the pledge. If they hadn't, the heart of what America has always been about would still be wandering around, dickless and embarassed.

And on top of all that, last time I checked, the Supreme Court was busy dodging the issue and letting "under God" STAY IN THE PLEDGE. Yeah, it stayed in on a technicality, but do you really think that if those activist Supremes wanted to rule against it, the technicality would have stopped them? They certainly didn't let technicalities stop them in 2000, that's for damn sure.

Really, there's only one positive thing I can say about this bill passing in the House. It was not, inexplicably, the single most retarded thing to come out of Washington yesterday. Thanks to Dubya, that bar has been set even lower. Our President actually tried to scare us by saying that if we pull out of Iraq, all of the insurgents who are trying to get us out of Iraq will follow us to America and fight us here. After a brief sabbatical to recharge its batteries and soak up some sun, it's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If we stop fighting the terrorists in Iraq, they would be free to plot and plan attacks elsewhere, in America and other free nations." - The Mental Midget Ostensibly Running Things

That's such a boneheaded sentiment it almost deserves its own column. The "terrorists", who are mostly insurgents and mostly targeting the military are not attacking soldiers because they hate our uniforms.