Deep, Cleansing Breath

« December 2011 »

Memo to Peter King, Harmon Kaslow, and the parents of Compton, CA: IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN.

Yes, it's once again time to dig deep. No, I'm not soliciting donations. I'm talking, as I occasionally do, about The Pile. It's time to dig deep into The Pile and make sure that truly worthy subjects get their proper You Are Dumb treatment, in an elderly, slightly limping version of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

Longtime readers of this column will know New York congressman Peter King as the second stupidest King in all of Congress. How stupid is he? Stupid enough to let slip one of the real reasons Republicans hate Occupy Wall Street. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"They have no sense of purpose other than a basically anti-American tone. I'm old enough to remember what happened in the 1960s when the left-wing took to the streets and somehow the media glorified them and it ended up shaping policy. We can’t allow that to happen."

To this day, people in suits hate hippies not because they dress funny, or hold drum circles, or have ideals. They hate hippies because hippies made them stop their awesome war against Vietnamese communism. And come to think of it, what other policy change did a left-wing street protest movement help shape? A little thing called desegregation.

I'm not saying Peter King wants to bring back segregation. I mean, at this point, doubling the number of water fountains in America would count as an infrastructure project. I'm just saying that it was protests like Occupy Wall Street that made Republicans have to wait another fifteen years to start bringing back the robber-baron era in earnest, and now that they've achieved that goal, they don't want any pesky street kids to start the pendulum swinging back again. They'd rather have it happen like it did in the 30s, with a global economic collapse or three.

Of course, I don't know why Republicans are so worried. They've got Harmon Kaslow on their side.

No, I'm not talking about the slightly upscale audio company of the mid-80's. That's Harmon Kardon. Harmon Kaslow is much louder, yet somehow, much less relevant. He's the producer who brought the world the film "Atlas Shrugged, Part 1" last year. If you're asking "What Atlas Shrugged movie last year?", congratulations. You, along with everyone else who asked that question, can start your own version of the 99% movement.

The point is, like so many other fantasy novels aimed at adolescents without much taste, it's going to take at least two movies to finish telling the Atlas Shrugged story. And Kaslow is promising that the sequel, due out next year, will be released at a time when it can influence the 2012 election.

On a related note, at some point tomorrow evening, I will be farting in an attempt to close the Arctic ozone hole.

The bad news? All the people who saw Atlas Shrugged, Part 1 may be thrown off by the fact that Part 2 appears to be re-casting the entire movie on account of not being able to get anyone to come back. The good news is, Kaslow can visit them personally and explain it to them on his next lunch break. Or he can visit the fanbase at ShruggedCon 2012, which is being held in a Japanese capsule hotel. If early registration goes well, they may splurge for a second capsule.

And finally, a kerfluffle that nearly slipped under my radar. Emphasis on the "fluff". And a bit of emphasis on the "slipped". And a bit on the "under" while we're there.

Parents were apparently outraged when, as part of the Read Across America program, Compton Elementary School invited Sasha Grey to read to first and third graders.

Sasha Grey is an author and actress, but until recently, she was a porn star of some repute. And the parents were upset because she read to the kids. By all accounts, she was fully clothed, did not read a novelization of Interracial Gangbangs 15*, was not introduced as a porn star, did not hand out free dildos to all the kiddies, or anything else I presume people imagine would be the problem of someone from the adult film industry volunteering at a school.

Hell, kids can Google Sasha Grey, and their modern, microscopic attention spans should keep them from getting down to the tenth Google result, the only one that even leads to any porn. And that's without SafeSearch on or any filtering. I assume it's just the usual combination of the latent Puritan prudery in American culture, plus a bunch of people pointing with one hand while discreetly wiping off the other.

If you want to get up in arms about an actor reading to children, how about you wait until anyone involved in the Three Stooges movie tries to volunteer? I watched the trailer for that, and immediately had to go watch some porn just so I could remind myself that some movies still have decent scripts.

*Yes, by Alan Dean Foster.**

**If you get that joke, you're an old nerd too. HA HA.