That Other Four-Letter F-Word

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Memo to Disingenuous Amenders: YOU ARE DUMB.

Let's see. The death rate and casualty rate in Iraq are at their highest points, well, ever, actually. The insurgency is spreading so wildly, the administration wants to take billions of dollars we were supposed to be spending on rebuilding the country, and put it into desperately trying to keep it from getting even more broken. Economy's still in the shitter. Poverty rate's skyrocketing. Obviously, it's time for the Republicans in Congress to perform their most sacred of duties.

That, of course, would be to schedule a potentially politically embarassing vote on motherfucking FLAG-BURNING. Yes, the right's classic is back again, the constitutional amendment to outlaw desecration of the American flag. Also known as "the amendment that makes the gay marriage one seem almost rational by comparison".

Of course, it's all a ploy to get Kerry and/or Edwards to eithe rmiss the vote, or vote against it, because flag-burning is a huge issue amongst the largest group of voters in the country - the shit-for-brains.

You know what happens when an American flag is burned? NOTHING. Neither jack, nor shit. A small amount of fabric is combined with oxygen to release chemical energy, leaving behind smoke and ash. That is IT. You are not injured. You are not hurt. You shouldn't even be offended, but apparently you are. Offending people is not a crime. If it were, I'd be typing this from prison. OK, technically, there's one less American flag in the world, bringing the total number down to about three billion.

And it's not as if flags are even burned all that often. I could maybe sort of kind of not really understand this when it came up after a couple of high-profile flag burnings, but I went and looked. Flags ain't burned all that often if Google News is to be believed.

Here's an interesting exercise. Search Google on "'American flag' burned". You know what makes up the entirety of the first eleven pages? Stories about three rogue Americans who went to Afghanistan, wearing khakis emblazoned with American flags, and tortured people. By, amongst other things, BURNING THEM. Yet there seems to be no push for new laws, or even stepped-up prosecution, for people who set fire to foreigners.

The most recent actual, protesty, burning of an American flag I can find was this past weekend, in which an anti-war dude sort of set fire to a really tiny flag on a stick at a 9/11 memorial. Which is admittedly tacky, but perhaps isn't the kind of thing we should be FUCKING WITH THE CONSTITUTION to try and stop. The memorial went on, the horrible blah blah of that tragic blah blah were blah blahed, and everyone went on with their lives.

That was it, for the past month, and I had to look for it. Oh, there was one other flag burned, but that was in Greece, where all we could do about it is bomb them for being vaguely swarthy. Since it was during the Olympics, we didn't. This time.

Anyone remember the last time you heard about a flag being burned? How about an epidemic of flag desecration? Unless I can't get to work in the morning because all the burning flags are blocking traffic, I think maybe Congress should leave well enough alone. Of course, it's not really about stopping the rampant flag-burning that's taking place roughly ten times an hour in every city on the planet. No, it's about forcing people with some fucking SENSE in their heads to use that sense, vote down the appointment, and then be portrayed in ads as "supporting flag-burning".

You know why they do this? Because it WORKS. And you know why it works? Because we're a nation of fucking retarded rednecks who believe whatever we're told and react in the most cave-man, fratboy way possible.

"Well, shit, I've got no job, my son's legs got left in Tikrit, my daughter's pregnant because her pharmacist insists The Pill kills babies, and my life sucks. Maybe I oughta do something about it this November... What's that, mister gravely-voiced man on my teevee? John Kerry burns flags in his backyard? I can't vote for him! He's a flag-flamer! A flip-flopping flag-flamer! And he supports civil unions? He's a flip-flopping, fag-favoring flag-flamer! I'm voting for Bush!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm proud to live in a democracy.