The Best Column Ever

« July 2005 »

Memo to Unnamed Washington Dude: YOU WIN.

I thought I knew why I did this column, but I was wrong. It wasn't until today when I realized that this space, this calling, has been treading water for a year and a half - waiting for this moment. Austin Gullette was the fucking warm-up act. It's all downhill from here, folks. When historians look back at You Are Dumb Dot Net, they're going to mark July 18, 2005 as the day the column peaked. And it's all thanks to one anonymous man from Seattle, Washington.

Who died.

Having anal sex.

With a horse.

As regular readers of this space know, the particular brand of stupidity that involves sticking your dick into an animal is not unfamiliar territory. We've even been tracking which states fuck which animals. Texas is pigs, Wisconsin is cows, Georgia is mules, and South Carolina is dogs. Washington is now officially horses.

But here's where it turns interesting. See, the guy died. So I'm thinking he tries to fuck a horse in the ass, gets kicked in the head for his troubles, crushed skull ha ha very funny Darwin Award wackiness ensues. But the guy didn't die from a crushed skull. He died from a PERFORATED COLON.

Which means he somehow convinced a horse to fuck HIM up the ass. Thereby making him the stupidest person in the entire universe. Dan Quayle can sleep soundly knowing that at long last, he is number two.* I don't care how much of a superfreak you are - we're talking about a sexual act where [UNPLEASANT IMAGE ALERT] even if it goes according to plan, you're going to be shitting horse-spunk for a week afterwards.[UNPLEASANT IMAGE ALERT ENDS]

I'm not entirely sure how that would even work. Everything I know about horses, I know from two sources. The Michael Martin Murphy song "Wildfire", and the movie "Seabiscuit". And I've never seen Seabiscuit. All I know is that Tobey Maguire hurt his back filming it, and did not hurt his back because the horse was fucking him in the ass. Us Weekly would have said something if he had. So I have no idea how you convince a horse to do that, and I ain't gonna Google it, that's for damn sure.

But I do know this. Once you get a horse to start fucking you in the ass, it's neigh impossible to get him to stop. Stallions do not attend sensitivity training. They do not understand that whoa means whoa. So in the end, it's an awful, awful, painful, hilarious, awful, stupid, and very very funny way to die.

I feel bad for his family, but they may never release his name, so perhaps they can just grieve for the loss of their stupid, stupid son and escape the public ridicule. But I feel worse for the community of Enumclaw, in King's County, where the farm and the horse were located. Oh, and the state of Washington.

I feel bad for the state of Washington because now we all know from news reports that bestiality isn't illegal there. Which is funny, because I don't remember them approving gay marriage, and I thought legalized bestiality could only follow the sanctioning of homosexual marriage. Apparently, Rick Santorum was wrong.

But Enumclaw... the farm... OK, first, apparently if you look in the wrong places on the Internet, Enumclaw is to real animal-fucking enthusiasts what is to people who can read. Police have hundreds of hours of surveillance footage with guys coming to the farm, getting it on with whatever species suits their fancy, and going home. Enumclaw is bestiality's EuroDisney.

And here's the funniest part, the part that even I, in my expansive genius, couldn't think to make up. The EXACT SAME DAY it was revealed to the world that Enumclaw, King's County, WA was the capital of Unspeakableactania, the county put out a press release. For its county fair. And the title of that press release, as revealed upon using Google News to search on "Enumclaw", is printed below, unedited, in boldface and italics. ACTUAL ULTIMATE QUOTE TIME, PART ONE:

"Animal magnetism: Mascot Day highlights list of promotions, discounts for King County fairgoers"

Take a few seconds to get over that one. It took me the better part of ten minutes before I could even pick my jaw up off the floor. This is the kind of synchronicity entire RELIGIONS spawn from. And when you're done, you can enjoy this fine sentence plucked from the middle of the press release. ACTUAL ULTIMATE QUOTE TIME, PART TWO:

"Roll up your sleeves and prepare to experience the messiest GOOD, CLEAN FUN around."

Like I said, it's all downhill from here, folks.

*I will let you all make THIS joke yourselves - you don't need my interference for this one.