Making The Cut

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Memo to Leon Panetta, Bill O'Reilly, and Herman Cain: YOU ARE DUMB.

Do you have any idea how many stupid quotes I've accumulated in the last week? Do you have any idea how many stupid HERMAN CAIN quotes I've accumulated in the last week? As tempting as it would be to ride the Cain Train full of moron-gravy for as long as I can, I will be good and only give him one spot in this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"In effect, it invites aggression... It’s a ship without sailors. It’s a brigade without bullets. It’s an air wing without enough trained pilots. - Obama's secretary of defense, Leon Panetta, about the defense cuts that might be triggered by the inevitable failure of SuperCongress.

Yeah, that's really what's at stake. If we don't spend the most money on defense ever, and don't keep spending more on bombs and bullets than any other country on the planet, someone's going to attack us. Who might attack us? Don't ask questions. The only people in a position to attack us are terrorists. Everyone else either needs us or needs us to buy their stuff. And brigades and air wings don't deter terrorists.

There are three possibilities here. One, Panetta is a Strangelovian Cabinet official with a missile fetish and a rock-hard war-ection 24/7. Two, he's a government bureaucrat desperately protecting his turf. Or third, he's a stooge, playing up the defense cuts as the WORST THING EVER so that Obama has an excuse to cut Medicare and Social Security in a grand bargain with Republicans over the budget. All three possibilities lead to the fact that Panetta is a fucking tool who thinks we should spend as much money fighting one stupid war as we spent fighting two stupid wars.

"By the way, there are now more than 1 million copies of ‘Killing Lincoln’ in print, and the book continues to sell briskly. We well understand our enemies are full of rage at our success." - Bill O'Reilly, giving his version of why the National Park Service bookstore in Ford's Theater won't carry his "Killing Lincoln" book.

The real reason, of course, is that the National Park Service has some fucking standards, and if they're going to sell a book, it has to do at least two things. First, it has to have citations to primary sources. O'Reilly's book doesn't have sources. Also, a book should not repeatedly talk about Lincoln's meetings in the Oval Office, which wouldn't exist until 44 years after Lincoln was killed.

The lobby bookstore, by the way, is not operated by the National Park Service, and is selling the book, either because it's not full of rage at Bill O'Reilly's success, or because manager Paul Tetreault decided to "let our visitors judge the book themselves". I guess, really, all O'Reilly is doing is teaching the controversy about whether the Oval Office existed in the 1860s or not.

"And I have had one very well known Muslim voice say to me directly that a majority of Muslims share the extremist views... That’s his community. I can’t tell you his name, but he is a very prominent voice in the Muslim community, and he said that." - Herman Cain, in GQ.

So many to choose from, but if any Herman Cain quote was going to come with me on that German train, it's this one. It's just so completely, utterly, Herman Motherfucking Cain.

First, it's a serious reversal on Cain's part. See, over the summer, Cain got some flak for saying he wouldn't appoint any Muslim to an office, then said he would, but only if they took a special oath renouncing Sharia law. Then he said he never said that, then he said he didn't mean it, then he talked with some Muslims and said he was wrong about all three things - what he said, whether he said it, and whether he meant it. And he apologized.

But he's slipping in the polls, so now "a majority of Muslims are extremists". And how does he know this? Because a prominent member of the Muslim community who he will not name* told him so! In other words, he can't tell you where he got the facts to back this up.

This, by the way, from the man who thinks we shouldn't believe the sexual harassment charges against him because they are anonymous and vague. Even the specific charges from the woman whose name we know are anonymous and vague! Pay them no mind! But believe me when I say an anonymous Muslim told me that over half of the two million American Muslims are extremists! Look to the left. Look to the right. If you see a Muslim, you're probably not working on the Herman Cain campaign.

Some people are calling Herman Cain the new Sarah Palin, but I disagree. Cain passed Palin in every conceivable measure of idiocy, craziness, and glorifying their own ignorance MONTHS ago. He is the gift you wish would stop fucking giving already.

*And this is where I get burned for using the "Canadian girlfriend" joke so many times in the past six years, dammit.