« November 2011 »

Memo to you all: I'M TRYING.

I know. Believe me, I know. Just keeping up with Herman Cain would be a full-time job. Rick Perry's implosion, Joe Walsh's explosion, the Penn State bullshit... I will do what I can to get to them all in both a timely and sufficient fashion. The stupid is thick and overgrown, and I only have the one machete. And today, I'm going to use it to trim back some of the underbrush. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

How bad is it to be Michele Bachmann right now? She's become an also-ran in crazy and stupid, the only two areas she has any aptitude in. I mean, here's a short list of shit Bachmann's done that's not only failed to get my attention, but failed to get any significant attention from anyone else:

  • Proposed a tax plan based around the price of two Happy Meals.
  • Got scared away from a speech by some Occupy protesters.
  • Said she'd add Reagan, Garfield, and Coolidge to Mount Rushmore.
  • Accused Mitt Romney of gay-marrying nearly 400 homosexuals.
  • Called her Republican competitors "frugal socialists".
  • Quoted the Bible to support the idea that poor people should starve to death.
  • Something something Sharia something.

I swear, if she got any less traction, Herman Cain would find a way to use her as lube. See? I can't even bring myself to insult her without bringing up the foibles of even bigger, sadder Republican failures.

And I'd be remiss if I didn't make a little time for a David Williams update. You remember David Williams from last week? The guy running for governor of Kentucky who decided to make an issue about his opponent participating in a private Hindu groundbreaking? Well, it just keeps getting better.

First, he explained at a campaign stop that he wasn't insulting Hindus by calling their worship "idolatry" and the awesomely tone-deaf "polytheistic situation". No, he was just inviting Hindus to "love and know Jesus". And after all, what could be wrong with trying to convert the heathens in Kentucky? Isn't that the governor's job? Williams himself told the Louisville Sentinel that he didn't see how that could offend anyone.

To be fair, this is Kentucky. Home of the Creation Museum. I think their state motto has been officially changed to "If I Don't Understand It, It Cannot Possibly Be True". And there are clearly a great many things that David Williams doesn't understand.

And finally, a special shout-out and thank you to the rich assholes of Chicago. I mean, I support the 99% movement, but even if I were really motivated, I couldn't help out a fraction of the amount Chicago traders have, just by being them.

I mean, you'd think that these second-rate MBA's who can't cut it in New York would be opposed to everything the Occupy Movement stands for, and you'd be right. But when they pull hilarious stunts like dumping hundreds of McDonald's applications on the protesting crowds, well, they help focus the movement's message to crystal clarity.

I mean, the whole "what is their message" question is a bullshit one to begin with, created by the elites to try and obscure the blatantly obvious message of "STOP FUCKING US, PLEASE" with drum jokes and hippie punching, but honestly, if we could just reform things so that Chicago traders had to work for a fucking living, while the lower middle class had a decent enough lunch break to eat somewhere other than McDonald's AND have time to stop by a McDonald's for prank supplies? I think we'd be making a huge stride forward.