Cain't Keep A Good Mock Down

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Memo to Herman Cain, Herman Cain, Herman Cain, and... J.D. Gordon? YOU ARE DUMB.

I don't care that it's not Wednesday anymore. As sole owner and proprieter of this space, I allow myself a certain amount of leeway in certain circumstances. And there is no way - no fucking way whatsoever - I'm going to deny myself the privilege of mocking my favorite Republican with a series of quotes from his various ridiculous Tuesday press interactions. So let's just pretend I wasn't sick as a dog yesterday and had the energy to type up IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I don't even know who this lady is!" - Cain, on his first named accuser, Sharon Bialek, who has accused Cain of some front-seat under the skirt gropery with one hand, while the other hand tried to move her head into BJ position, plus implying that it would help her get a job with the National Restaurant Association.

In case you were wondering, less than 24 hours. It took less than 24 hours for the first reports of situations in which Herman Cain probably did know who that lady was showed up. I mean, you know it had to happen. That kind of blatant, blanket denial - Cain specifically saying he didn't recognize either the face or the name of his accuser when he saw her on TV - wasn't gonna last long.

And sure enough, before yesterday was out, people were placing Cain and Bialek interacting, albeit briefly, at a Tea Party convention. A month ago. Way to boost your flagging credibility, Black Allnuts.

“He hasn’t been President yet." - Herman Cain, when asked by ABC News who should be added to Mount Rushmore, implying that Herman Cain should be added to Mount Rushmore.

Yeah, good luck with that. Herman Cain wouldn't even make the cut for a pizza-based version of Mount Rushmore, which I am proposing now and suggesting be called Mount Crustmore. And it would contain the giant stone heads of Papa John, The Noid, that Little Caesar's toga guy, and of course, Raffaele Esposito, who at least two Google hits believe to be the "inventor of pizza". And not Herman Cain.

"I'm not an expert on how the brain works." - Herman Cain, pre-excusing the inevitable and already-present stories about him and Sharon Bialek despite him neither remembering nor recognizing her.

Let's not even touch it. Let's let it sit there, in its natural habitat, and just bask in it. The glory of it. Quite possibly the world's greatest straight line. To attach a punchline to it would just ruin it. "I'm not an expert on how the brain works."

"Based upon information available at the time of Mr. Block's Tuesday night interview on Fox News, the campaign was led to believe that Mr. Josh Kraushaar, currently with the National Journal and a former employee of Politico, was the son of Karen Kraushaar. Mr. Josh Kraushaar is in fact, not related to Ms. Karen Kraushaar." - Cain spokesman J.D. Gordon, explaining why Cain campaign manager and chain-smoker Mark "Cock" Block lied out of his ass.

Let's break this down. Herman Cain has, on at least three separate occasions, made claims while admitting to "not have the facts to back this up", or not having any evidence. The first two have been documented here in the past, the third was in the press conference when Cain tried to blame his problems on a conspiracy of enemies trying to take him down.

Now, Herman Cain is trying to fend off sexual harassment claims, which he is portraying as blatantly fabricated claims with no facts or evidence to back them up.

And to do this, his campaign manager goes on Fox News, claims the son of one of the accusers works for the web-based "news organization" that broke the original story, and when this turns out to be completely fucking wrong on both accounts, all they have to say for themselves is that they heard some shit and repeated it, and then backed it up when Sean Hannity, of all people, asked them if they'd "confirmed" it.

Even for the modern Age of Constant Hypocrisy that is American politics, this is pretty fucking astonishing. But that's Herman Cain in a black walnutshell. Pretty fucking astonishing.