Nein Nein Nein Means Nein Nein Nein

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Memo to Herman Cain, Herman Cain, and Herman Cain: YOU ARE DUMB.

Come on. I think we all knew this was coming. Nobody knows what Herman Cain did or did not do back in the 90s to prompt two women to file sexual harassment complaints against him. Nobody knows what the National Restaurant Association paid the two women to reach a settlement, or why. It's all a great mystery.

But there is one thing we do know for certain. There is no question Herman Cain is less prepared to answer than "what did you know, and when did you know it?" This is because Herman Cain is deeply, deeply stupid. And so, as he has answered that question in a multitude of ways over a multitude of days, he remains my favorite IDIOT, SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"Dredging up thinly sourced allegations stemming from Mr. Cain’s tenure as the Chief Executive Officer at the National Restaurant Association in the 1990s, political trade press are now casting aspersions on his character and spreading rumors that never stood up to the facts... Sadly, we’ve seen this movie played out before - a prominent Conservative targeted by liberals simply because they disagree with his politics." - The official, original Cain campaign response to the Politico story that started this mess.

Three fun phrasings to note here. First, "thinly-sourced". Now, I don't want to be in the position of defending the journalistic integrity of Politico, but "thinly-sourced" is one of those things that sounds bad while meaning very little in a story like this. There were probably a dozen people involved in the whole thing, and Politico either talked to or got "no comment" from a healthy number of them.

I don't know what a "rumor that never stood up to the facts" is, and neither do you. Oh, you can guess at what they want you to think it means based on the meanings of much more common phrasings this is similar to, but any phrasing that odd and awkward in a prepared, released political statement is a red flag that someone was trying to write around the truth. And finally, Politico is not now, and never has been, "liberals". If Herman Cain is being targeted by Politico, he's being targeted by The Establishment. Nice try, though.

"No. I don't recall signing it. Now, the fact that I say I don't recall signing it doesn't mean that I didn't sign it, but I simply don't recall if I signed it." - Herman Cain, to Greta Van Susteren.

Really, Black Allnuts? You're gonna append the excuse for getting caught out in your lie TO YOUR LIE? I never thought I'd run across someone with a more cynical view of how useless and debased our political media has become, but once again, Herman Cain has exceeded my expectations.

"I was not. I was aware that an agreement was reached. The word "settlement" versus the word "agreement," you know, I'm not sure what they called it. I know that there was some sort of agreement, but because it ended up being minimal, they didn't have to bring it to me. My general counsel and the head of human resources had the authority to resolve this thing. So it wasn't one of those things where it got above a certain authority level and I had to sign it. If I did -- and I don't think I did -- I don't even remember signing it because it was minimal in terms of what the agreement was." - Herman Cain, on PBS NewsHour.

Oh, that's the stuff. That's the Herman Cain I know and love to write about and hate to see leading the polls. He wasn't aware of a settlement because he was aware of an agreement and he didn't think agreements and settlements were the same thing, and anyway, the head of human resources handled it and if I did deal with it at all I don't remember it because it was so minor. Do you smell toast?

Also, apparently the "head of human resources" is some Canadian head of human resources. You wouldn't know her. Because the one everyone does know says she didn't handle anything like this for him. Whoops.

"I believe the answer is yes, but we do not have any evidence to support it. But because I am an unconventional candidate running an unconventional campaign and achieving some unexpected, unconventional results in terms of the poll, we believe that, yes, there are some people who are Democrats, liberals, who do not want to see me win the nomination. And there could be some people on the right who don't want to see me because I'm not the quote-unquote 'establishment' candidate. No evidence... Relative to the left, I believe that race is a bigger driving factor. I don't think it's a driving factor on the right. This is just based upon our speculation." - Cain, answering Charles Krauthammer, on whether race or being a "strong black conservative" has anything to do with the sexual harassment charges.

Goddamn, I'm going to miss Herman Cain. Once again, he openly admits that "we do not have any evidence to support it", reiterates "no evidence", and finishes with "just based upon speculation". Three turd croutons in his word salad.

You know, Herman, if you're worried about being attacked because of your race, maybe the place you should start looking is at the guy who leased the Niggerhead Hunting Ranch. Just a thought.