North And South And Fudgesicles

« October 2011 »

Memo to a somewhat vaguely-defined group or groups: YOU ARE DUMB.

Not every broadside here at You Are Dumb Dot Net needs to focus with laser-like precision on a single person. Some might even argue that broadsides are more effective when their target is... well, broad. So today we offer up an assortment of topical, but somewhat non-specific ranting for SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Another stadium debate is starting up in Minneapolis. The Twins got a new stadium, so the Vikings want one too. Yay. Luckily for them, I've changed my position on publicly-funded stadiums.

Well, OK. Not changed. Softened. A bit. I mean, publicly-funded stadiums in the modern sports era are stupid. They're basically giant handouts of tax money to rich people. Already, the Vikings are providing overly rosy sales tax revenue predictions and timetables to pretend the whole thing will work, which it won't. But fuck it.

The fact is, our entire economic policy of the last decade has revolved around giant handouts of tax money to rich people, and at the end of it, all we end up building are bigger Swiss bank accounts. Stadiums are shitty returns on investment, but they actually do provide a shitty return on investment, and at the end, you're left with a big-ass building that a college can use 40 years from now when the rich people get tired of it and throw it away.

So, yeah. We could spend half a billion dollars on actual useful things, like more trains, keeping bridges from falling over, and having enough in the budget to plow all the roads, but if we're gonna go out like Old Rome, we're gonna need a few more Coliseums. Plus, in the public stadium fight, one year of "yes" will eventually wipe out a decade of "no's". And since they get more expensive each year, unlike people's salaries, it'll be cheaper to lie back, close our eyes, and think of Brett Favre.

My three favorite headlines of the last month or so:

Nicolas Cage Awoken By Naked Man With Fudgesicle. This headline has it all. Nicolas Cage, a naked man, a Fudgesicle, and just the slightest bit of ambiguity. Did the man have a Fudgesicle and awaken Nicolas Cage, or did the man actually awaken Cage using the Fudgesicle? And if the latter, where did he put it?

Dwarf Gordon Ramsay Look-A-Like Reportedly Found Dead In Badger Den. This headline has everything the other headline was missing. Especially because the dead little person played Mini-Ramsey in porn movies. And then, of course, BADGER DEN. You'd think a pocket-sized Porn Ramsey would know his way around a badger den, assuming a "badger den" is a porn euphemism for a six-pack of vaginas.

Parents Need To Stop Blaming Hollywood And Take Responsibility. This headline has only one thing the other two headlines lack, and that is sweet, sweet irony. Because this headline was found on everyone's favorite website, Big Hollywood, which has spent years blaming Hollywood for every single bad thing they can think of. Physicians... wait, no. Doctors Of Philosophy At Liberty University, Heal Thyselves.

And finally, fuck Alabama. Sure, there's a good argument that much of the "intelligent North vs. pigfucker South" thing is actually an urban/rural thing with a bit of class-based issues mixed in, but dammit, there are some things uniquely awful about the South.

Take Bay Minette, Alabama, which recently had to postpone/stop a plan to have their court system sentence minor offenders to a year of mandatory weekly church attendance. Apparently, what happened was, they planned to do this, people noticed, and then they had to stop because IT WAS CRAZY AND ILLEGAL.

I don't even need to ask "what were they thinking", because I know what they were thinking. They were full of the usual assumptions of people who may have been forced to accept that other types of people exist, but will never accept that those other types of people are heathens ready for conversion and assimilation into America, Christian Nation. And I bet if you mapped the prevalence of that attitude on a map, the red dots would get bigger and closer together in inverse proportion to the latitude. Just sayin'.