Volume Voters' Vomit

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Memo to Bryan Fischer, Robert Jeffries, and Gil Mertz: YOU ARE DUMB.

Regular readers of this space learn anew every Wednesday that IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. But did you know that idiots, unlike, say, protesters in Boston, also enjoy the right of free assembly awarded to them under the Constitution? It's true! And no assembly of idiots is more assembled, and more idiotic, than the Values Voters Summit, where the most powerful people in the Republican Party rub penis-heads with the craziest... well, penis-heads of the radical Christian right. And oh, do they say the damndest things there.

"I submit to you that not a single one of our unalienable rights will be safe in the hands of a president who believes that we evolved from slime and that we are the descendents of apes and baboons." - You Are Dumb's official Worst Alleged Human Being On Earth, Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association.

Yes, we need to get Barack Obama out of office because he believes in evolution, and a president who believes in evolution will destroy every single one of our inalienable rights. Sure he hasn't done that yet, but I'm sure he's getting around to it. And sure, none of the dozens of other American presidents who had no problem with modern evolutionary theory didn't actually destroy all those inalienable rights either. But what the hell, Fischer. In for a penny's worth of bullshit, in for a metric ton of bullshit.

My biggest concern with Fischer's rhetoric is that it's likely to create a bunch of creationist apes and baboons, who will insist they cannot possibly share the same common ancestor as Bryan "Irreducible Simplicity" Fischer.

"Rick Perry's a Christian. He's an evangelical Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ. Mitt Romney's a good moral person, but he's not a Christian. Mormonism is not Christianity. It has always been considered a cult by the mainstream of Christianity." - Robert Jeffries, of the Southern Baptist Convention, making my week.

Here it is, folks. The event you've all been waiting for. The great interdenominational slap fight between the hard-core Rick Perry Jesus-freaks and Mitt Romney's magic underwear. You knew it had to happen. I mean, it was always happening on the fringes, but now it's happening out in the open. The fact is, none of them can stand it when the Wrong Kind gets into power, and a Mormon is almost as wrong to them as a black guy.

Also, Jeffries is lying with that "good, moral person" bit. Not only is Romney not particularly good, and not particularly moral, on the objective merits of the terms, but I guarantee you, in his heart of hearts, Robert Jeffries knows that Mitt Romney is going to Hell for being a Mormon. And good, moral people don't go to Hell, do they?

"So that's why we want you to be on your best behavior and remember my five words. What are they? Don't be the weird one." - Gil Mertz, taking time out from being a tertiary character in one episode of I Love Lucy to address the Values Voters Summit attendees on how best to interact with the press.

This is what's known in the industry as "right advice, wrong crowd". You know what would constitute being the weird one at the Value Voter's Summit? Not wanting to stone gay people to death. Thinking dinosaurs predated Jesus by a few hundred million years. Not listening to Bryan Fucking Fischer. Hell, skipping the Values Voters Summit entirely would help.

In fact, I'm not really sure what Mertz thinks "being the weird one" at the VVS would involve. Unless "weird" is code for "don't be the overtly-racist one", "don't be the Imminent End Times one", or "don't be the obviously hypocritical one". But then they went and invited Newt Gingrich, so who the fuck knows what they mean.