Theocrats Are On The Move

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Memo to TIMMEH, Rick Perry, and Michele Bachmann: YOU MAKE IT SO EASY.

Seriously, has there ever been a perfect storm of weekend political news more suited for coverage here at You Are Dumb Dot Net? Iowa has done the kind of things to the 2012 GOP field that I simultaneously dream and have nightmares about. I am drawn to these things, like the moth to the flame. So let's get to it, in decreasing order of importance to me.

PAWLENTY OUT: Apparently someone shot his wad way early. He bet all his money and all his effort in getting Iowans to like him, came in a distant third in the straw poll, and quit the morning after. I have to say, I'm a bit surprised, and a bit disappointed. I really wanted his exercise in futility to last a bit longer, with him going toe to toe with Bachmann for the dishonor of Minnesota.

But I have to say, TIMMEH went out like a punk-ass bitch. He charged Iowa with the fury of his windmill punch, got decked in the jaw by a girl, and decided to seek gainful employment elsewhere. So much for the HANDSHAKE OF KRAKATHOOOOON. So much for the fighter jets. So much for his ridiculous "T-Paw" nickname. I anxiously await his second book, "Courage To Sit My Ass Right Back Down, Thanks."*

The best/worst part about this? TIMMEH spent the past decade grooming himself for this. He ingratiated himself with all the right people. He fucked over Minnesota for two terms to make the anti-tax people happy. He pretended to be reasonable. And two years before he was ready to make his move, Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck came along and yanked the rug out from underneath him. All of a sudden, simply not raising taxes wasn't enough anymore. You had to grab a fife and drum and insist that George Washington's reanimated corpse would stab you in the fucking eye with the nearest cherry tree branch if you even thought for a second about raising taxes. The services of a Tim Pawlenty were no longer required, and if they were, they'd be played by Mitt Romney anyway.

PERRY IS: Fuck. Rick Perry is running for President. We've discussed why this is a seriously dangerous thing before, but to recap - he's as batshit as Bachmann, but he has executive experience and a penis, which means that if he gets the nomination, the moderates will be able to overlook his theocratic prayer rallies, his calls for secession, and see him as the Second Coming of Dubya.

Meanwhile, all the crazy will appease the people who might remember that Perry used to be a Democrat, albeit a Democrat from Texas. Plus he can tout all of Texas' job growth, the media will fall for it, and the quality of those jobs and the fact that they're all shitty jobs, mostly for the oil companies that are raping the earth and the driver for four dollars a gallon won't matter.

If Rick Perry gets elected, you'd better fucking well hope that the old Bill Hicks conspiracy theory - that no matter who gets elected, he's a figurehead for the Moneyed Powers That Be and if he rocks the boat, he'll get what Kennedy got - is true. Because if Rick Perry actually gets elected and actually gets to run things, well, you'd better start praying. Not for the intervention of a nonexistent God, just, you know, because you'll need the practice for when he institutes mandatory non-denominational prayers to Jesus Christ in late 2013.

BACHMANN WINS: They like her. They really really like her. Or some of them like her and some of them were there for the air conditioning and the petting zoo. Doesn't matter. She got the most corn in her corn-hole. So much, in fact that the Telegraph got a shot of her opening up whole new pathways for corn. Look it up. It will haunt your nightmares.

Now, winning the Ames Straw Poll is a mixed blessing. It's only predicted the nominee two times out of five, and the president one time out of five. And Bachmann is much more of a Pat Robertson than she is a Bob Dole or even a Dubya. On the other hand, of the three remaining straw polls, the winner of one went on to win the vice-presidency, and the winner of the other is this year's frontrunner.

So, is Bachmann a player, or a flash in the pan? Well, the straw poll win certainly won't help with her getting laughed out of town for being a gay-torturing, history-mangling Teabagger hypocrite. It'll give her the one thing she needs more than anything else - credibility. Because she's pretty fucking incredible right now, in the original sense of the word.

Basically, what Ames has done is create a Republican primary battle between two insane theocrats and a boring moderate. Because nobody else in the race is really in the race. They've already won what they need to win by just lasting longer than TIMMEH. What I'm most worried about is an electoral Goldilocks scenario. Bachmann's too warm and Romney's too cold, which will make everyone decide that Perry's just right, even though thermodynamically speaking, he's only six degrees of separation from Bachmann.

I don't know about you all, but I think I'm gonna stock up on kneepads. For the mandatory Perryprayer, you pervs. Get your minds out of the gutter, or you're gonna be the first ones up against the wall when Perry finally figures out an innocuous-sounding name for the Second Inquisition in 2014.

*If you were one of the brave souls to follow me on Google+, you'd have seen this joke Sunday morning as the news broke. Whether you consider this incentive or disincentive is up to you.