Inappropriate Self-Censorship

« August 2011 »

Memo to Emanuel Cleaver, Pam Gellar, and Michelle Bachmann: YOU ARE DUMB.

Just say it. We know what you mean. Just say it. Don't dance around it. Don't erase it from your website after everyone's taken a screenshot. Don't pretend it doesn't matter and doesn't exist. I mean, I don't call this segment "DUM-DUMS IGNORE THE DANGDEST THINGS". You're idiots. You say the damndest things. Take pride in that.

"This is a Satan sandwich, no doubt about it." - Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO), describing the debt ceiling deal.

No, it isn't. The term is "shit sandwich". The reason "shit sandwich" works as a euphemism is because of the image of fecal matter, which nobody wants to eat, clumsily disguised by two pieces of multi-grain bread, that you're supposed to smile while eating, pretending there's no shit in there.

Now, I understand not wanting to say the word "shit", especially if you're from Missouri, where the word just serves to remind everyone there of their surroundings. But if you don't want to use the word "shit", then you don't get to use the euphemism "shit sandwich". And you certainly don't get to replace "shit" with "Satan" in some weird Bible belt religion-for-scatology semantic prisoner exchange.

What the shit is a Satan Sandwich, anyway? Is it a sandwich with tasty but evil Satan meat inside? Is it that deviled ham in a tin? Is there mayo? Is the mayo full of cholesterol, and thus evil? Or is it a sandwich FROM Satan, like that time Subway experimented with salmon as a meat option? I don't know. And you know what? Neither does Cleaver, because he meant to say "shit sandwich", and turned out to be too chickensatan to actually do it.

"Note the faces which are more Middle Eastern or mixed than pure Norwegian." - Pamela Gellar, noted Internet bigot and frequent Fox News contributor.

Ah, sweet Pam. Pam, who was shocked, SHOCKED, I SAY, to find that Norwegian terrorist and the world's first successful Wingnut Revolutionary, Anders Breivik had read her anti-Islam blog extensively. Pam was pointing out who the victims of his rampage were. Under a picture of the participants of the Labor Party camping retreat, she placed the above caption, then removed it after people noticed the screaming Aryan race-hate she usually covers with a thin layer of Saran Wrap to make her acceptable to what passes for mainstream conservatism these days.

The best part, though? She left this paragraph in, which lies in blatant contradiction to her earlier obligatory, half-hearted rejection of mass murder:

"Breivik was targeting the future leaders of the party responsible for flooding Norway with Muslims who refuse to assimilate, who commit major violence against Norwegian natives, including violent gang rapes, with impunity, and who live on the dole... all done without the consent of the Norwegians."

Well, when you put it that way, it sounds... well, a lot like Tea Party rhetoric over here. Which shouldn't surprise anyone.

"I'm running for the presidency of the United States. My husband is not running for the presidency. Neither are my children. Neither is our business." - Btsh Bchm, explaining why her husband's willingness to torture gay people for money is not something the press should be asking her about.

Aw, poor Michele. Can't seem to shut her uneducated teabaiting yap any other time, but when her husband's "pray away the gay" therapy comes up, suddenly the 5th Amendment leaps above a couple of words in the 2nd Amendment as her favorite part of the Constitution. And that's apparently OK for the media, who I guess are hoping she'll go away on their own.