Short Attention Span Thursday

« July 2011 »

Memo to Pat Buchanan, Ron Johnson, Lynne Torgeson, and The Washington Post: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'll be brutally honest with you. Stupidity seems to be arriving in the form of bite-sized chunks lately. I have more content for Idiots Say The Damndest Things and Spastic Topic Monkey Friday than I can clear out in two columns a week. So today, enjoy a special bridging column: IDIOTS SAY TOPICALLY SPASTIC THINGS ON THURSDAY!

"We have within our country 12- to 20-million illegal aliens, with Mexico the primary source, and millions of others who may be U.S. citizens but are not truly Americans. As one fan told Plaschke, "I was born in Mexico, and that is where my heart will always be. Perhaps he should go back there, and let someone take his place who wants to become an American. By 2050, according to Census figures, thanks to illegals crossing over and legalized mass immigration, the number of Hispanics in the U.S.A. will rise from today's 50 million to 135 million. Say goodbye to Los Angeles. Say goodbye to California." - Pat Buchanan.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let me extend that credit a little farther. Pat Buchanan, frequent conservative contributor and commentator to MSNBC, the supposedly "liberal" cable news show that defenders of Fox use to show that cable news needs conservative balance.

Well, since MSNBC thinks it's a good idea to keep a fucking white supremacist on the payroll, someone who thinks that even legal Latino citizens aren't "real Americans" because one of them expressed affection for his country of origin, then I hope Fox takes the hint and hires Ward Churchill as O'Reilly's co-host and sparring partner. You know, just to make sure that the balance is fair.

Wisconsin senator Ron Johnson defeated Russ Feingold, of all people, in the 2010 election. He did this in part by relying on the same Wisconsin fuckwits who voted Walker and Prosser in, but he also did it by spending over nine million dollars of his own money.

And then, when he left the company that he is the CEO and owner of, that company's CEO and owner decided to give Ron Johnson a "deferred compensation" payment. A deferred compensation amount that was determined via oral agreement between CEO Ron Johnson and soon-to-be-former CEO Ron Johnson.

Senator Ron Johnson, by the way, is still in office, and hasn't gotten in any real trouble over this. Presumably because none of that $10 million spent any time in a freezer.

"I, Lynne Torgerson, am running for Congress in Minnesota, against radical Islamist Keith Ellison. Keith Ellison fails to oppose banning Islamic Sharia law in the United States. He accuses people of trying to ban it as ‘conspiratorilists.’ Keith Ellison also fails to support that the United States Constitution should be supreme over Islamic Sharia law." - Lynne Torgerson, on the Tea Party Nation web site.

Let's all make fun of Lynne Torgerson. Why? Because she's a stupid bigot, yes. Because she's yet another teabagger wetting themselves over Sharia, obviously. Because she's branding one of the most moderate, liberal Muslims in the entire country as a "radical Islamist" because he thinks Torgeson and her ilk are fucking morons, clearly.

But mostly, we should be laughing at her because this is her THIRD run against Ellison for Congress, and last time, she got three percent of the vote. Not thirty. Three percent. So if you're looking for another data point on teabagger IQ, remember it has to be low enough to think that a three percent showing in 2010 means you should totally try to run again in 2012. GENIUS.

And finally, the Washington Post, one of our nation's most respected newspapers, a fact that I need to remind you of for reasons that will become apparent shortly, ran an article about how Michelle Obama ate a burger and fries at the Shake Shack.

See, Michele Obama has been an advocate for eating healthier. And she ate at the Shake Shack. A burger and fries at the Shake Shack. Get it? They even estimated the calorie count of her meal, although they were unable to confirm the accuracy of their estimate by picking through the stool of the First Lady.

The Huffington Post says that the Washington Post says that some people say this smacks of hypocrisy. Well, I for one wish these news organizations would attribute these claims more accurately so that I could smack some people in the fucking head. You know what the definition of "healthy eating" is? It's when you eat so healthily most of the time that, when you indulge in a burger and fries at the Shake Shack, the Washington Post thinks it's NEWSWORTHY.

In a related story, Al Gore still takes planes to different parts of the world to warn us that we're killing the planet. But in completely unrelated news, Ron Johnson robbed his corporate coffers to reimburse himself for his own campaign expenditures.