You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
The F-Bomb Heard Round The World
Memo to Roy McDonald, Bill Donohue, and Barbara MacEwen: ONE OF YOU IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS.
When someone says what I consider to be a damndest thing, nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine times out of a thousand, it's because they're an idiot. Do you have any idea how utterly amazing, how mind-bogglingly astonishing, a quote has to be to make it into this space without being loathsome, hateful, or stupid beyond belief? You're about to find out. And then I'll make fun of two morons, because this isn't a fucking charity here.
"You get to the point where you evolve in your life where everything isn't black and white, good and bad, and you try to do the right thing. You might not like that. You might be very cynical about that. Well, fuck it, I don't care what you think. I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm tired of Republican-Democrat politics. They can take the job and shove it. I come from a blue-collar background. I'm trying to do the right thing, and that's where I'm going with this." - New York state Senator, Republican Roy McDonald, on his vote in favor of gay marriage.
It's not just that he claimed he was voting his conscience. It's not even that, given the political climate right now, he actually DID vote his conscience and will likely suffer for it. Now, that is a truly admirable thing, and in a truly just and noble cause. That would be enough to earn McDonald my grudging respect, but not exalted praise and a prime spot in the column.
But Roy McDonald did something truly special here. He dropped a semantically justifiable, context-appropriate F-bomb into an on-the-record political statement. "Well, fuck it, I don't care what you think." I'm glad I don't live in New York, because I have no idea where McDonald stands on other issues, and I've always said I'd vote in an instant for a politician that used profanity appropriately and unrepentantly.
"[Children] don't need two adults, they need a father and a mother. The boy needs the father and the girl needs the mother... If you want electricity, if you want juice, you can't have two sockets touching each other, or two prongs. The prong has to penetrate the socket, doesn't it?" - Catholic League president Bill Donahue, appearing on WPIX-TV before going backstage and furiously masturbating to an electrical supply catalog.
Poor Bill. New York up and went and threw his entire obsession with genital shapes and absurdly traditional gender roles (note how girls don't need fathers, nor boys, mothers? I wonder where a strong Catholic like Bill got the idea that it was really, really important for a male father figure to instruct young boys on the appropriate use of their genitals?
Bill also said, later on, that giving everyone the benefits that some people have devalues the benefits for the people who had them. I'm not sure I've ever seen straight white male privilege defended in such starkly economic terms before. I guess doubling the number of happy, equal gays in America really pisses Billy off, which to me, is the second greatest benefit of the law's passage.
"If there’s any possible way to not do it legally, then yes, I would not want to put my name on any of those certificates or papers. That’s their life, they can do it, but I don’t feel I should be forced into something that’s against my morals and my God." - 75-year-old Barbara MacEwen, the town clerk of Volney, NY, responding to the gay marriage law.
That's fine. You're 75, you can retire, you can stop running for office - town clerk is an elected position, apparently - if being town clerk means you have to issue marriage licenses to gay people, and you hate gay people, then you can stop being town clerk. Everybody's happy.
"MacEwen, a 75-year-old Republican, said she will be on the ballot this fall for a fifth, full four-year term as clerk of the town of about 6,200 people." - Politico.
OK, that's gonna be a problem. I know it's a Republican tradition, but you really shouldn't decide to work for the government while simultaneously objecting to and refusing to perform the duties required of you as a public official. You've had a good run. Sixteen years as town clerk is nothing to sneeze at. But clearly, if you can't do the job, then it's time to step down and let one of those young turks in their late 60s sign the marriage licenses for all those people your God tells you to treat like dirt.