Schoolhouse Suck

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Memo to Mike Huckabee: YOU'RE JUST A SHILL, YES YOU'RE ONLY A SHILL.

One of the recurring motifs here at You Are Dumb Dot Net is the ongoing right-wing attempt to create their own version of institutions that don't support their worldview. Wikipedia won't say that tax cuts always raise revenues because pesky charts and graphs say it doesn't happen? Create Conservapedia! Universities allowing gay students to meet and talk about being gay? Start up Liberty University! Museums refuse to put Jesus' skeleton next to their dinosaur skeleton? Go to Kentucky and build the Creation Museum!

It's all part of the Subjective Reality Millennium. The advent of the Information Age means that as long as you can find some authority, somewhere, expressing a view, you're free to go on believing that point of view, no matter how many other authorities are saying the exact opposite. And if those authorities don't exist, well, you'd better go ahead and create them! Get a few PhDs on your oil company payroll. Make up a degree and declare yourself an expert. Start a cable news channel, if you've got the money for it.

Mike Huckabee doesn't have the money to start a news channel, because all the money he has comes from that one news channel. So he has to dream smaller. And sadder. Much, much sadder. He's taking aim at liberal cartoons like Schoolhouse Rock, but ended up creating the right-wing version of Mr. T and the T Force - something that pities historians, but loves a good fool.

It's called LearnOurHistory, and it's a mail-order subscription service for a series of poorly-animated, creepy right-wing propaganda pieces. Five cel-shaded teenagers, who manage to include slightly more racial diversity (one confirmed black girl, one possible tan dude - the models are so bad it's impossible to be sure) than any Republican convention to date, travel through time to learn important lessons. Those lessons?

First, that Ronald Reagan saved us all from knife-wielding Hispanics in "Disco" tank tops. I am not shitting you. According to the free preview, Jimmy Carter's America is a post-apocalyptic urban wasteland, with rampant poverty and street crime. But then Reagan said we were a "shining city on a hill", that we love God, and that someone should tear down a wall, and EVERYTHING GOT BETTER.

Back when the site first launched and this story was making the rounds, that video, "The Reagan Revolution", was the only one that had been thrown together using freeware 3D modeling software and an OEM copy of Adobe AfterEffects. Since then, my failure to get around to this in a timely fashion means you also get to hear about the SECOND video, "Origins of World War II". Somewhat disappointingly, the preview doesn't have any of the usual right-wing stuff about how Neville Chamberlain taught us to compare every situation that comes up to Neville Chamberlain. But it's still chock full of horrawesome.

First off, it starts with the exact same introductory clip as the Reagan preview. Someone's already cutting corners. I guess the $10 introductory price on the Reagan DVD wasn't as popular as they hoped.

Then, as a line of cut-and-pasted Nazi stormtroopers awkwardly goose-step down a scanned Colorforms street background, a cartoonishly evil caricature of Adolf Hitler* goes on in English about how Germany was ordained by God to rule the world. What the Fuckabee? You're revisioning history all over the place, but you don't include the right-wing canard that Hitler was an atheist? For shame.

Next is a clip for what I have to assume is an unfinished Pearl Harbor game for the SuperNES. I mean, yeah, it's using the SuperFX technology, but it's still fairly lame. Then the black girl tells a Rosie The Riveter poster "You go, girl!" and gets kidnapped by Nazis. I swear, I am not making this up. I know it sounds like I'm off my meds, but this is the actual video content here. And then there's a quote in voiceover that I really, really hope isn't from the WW2 video. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What we see and hear isn't always the same as what we read in a book or see on TV. So what? We know the truth, and that's good enough for us."

Now, I've spent a fair amount of time poking under the dank rocks of right-wing thinking, and with the exception of the whole "everything is like Chamberlain" thing, there really isn't a "left-wing" version of World War II that I'm aware of. Schools still teach that Hitler was bad. There aren't pro-Hitler miniseries on television. So what the fuck is that line, which is one of the most startling bits of blatant propaganda I've seen in quite some time, doing in a video about World War II?

I mean, yeah, I can see it in the Reagan video, because the fact-based media only portray Reagan as a mere demigod, underselling his magic powers by twenty to thirty percent as a sop to the liberal elitists who think Ronnie was an alternately opportunistic and senile bastard who got erections from nuclear brinkmanship and latex Maggie Thatcher dolls. But I'm pretty sure even the most homeschoolworthy children can trust what they read in books and see on TV about ADOLF FUCKING HITLER.

Upcoming titles in the series include "9/11 and the War on Terror", due this month. I cannot wait to see them pay respect to that tragic event by recreating it using about 37 polygons. After that is the American Revolution Trilogy, which I desperately hope is being edited to include scenes of Paul Revere ringing bells and shooting his gun into the air, warning the British they're not going to take away our guns.

Then "Columbus and the Great Discovery", which should feature grateful natives thanking Columbus for teaching them about Jesus; "The Mayflower And The First Thanksgiving", which should feature grateful natives thanking the Pilgrims for teaching them about Jesus; "The Adventures of Lewis and Clark", which should feature a grateful Sacajawea thanking Lewis and Clark for teaching her about Jesus; "Winning World War II", which will apparently resolve the cliffhanger of the first WW2 video a full year later, and "The Cold War", which should feature grateful Russians thanking Ronald Reagan for teaching them about blue jeans and Jesus.

There's also one called "A History Of Women In America", which I think you can dread quite effectively without any help from me.

The best part? They've got FOURTEEN discs planned out through the end of 2012, and none of them come anywhere near the Civil War. Wonder why That is.

*Something that, by the way, shouldn't even be fucking possible, but they pull it off.