No, Really, They're Still On This

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Memo to anti-Sharia wingers: KEEP FIGHTING THE NON-EXISTENT FIGHT.

I know what you're thinking. You're wondering why, given all the warnings about the imminent threat of Islamic Sharia law overtaking America, why it hasn't actually happened yet? I mean, even though I guess the President was born in Hawaii, he's still a Muslim or Muslim sympathizer. And Democrats control the Senate. So why can we still buy bratwurst in America's supermarkets?

Well, it's all due to the tireless effort of the anti-Sharia squad. Clearly. This dedicated group of wingnuts is willing to be seen as insane, racist, bigoted, and even just plain wrong in their selfless struggle to keep the wrong kind of theocracy out of America.

But what, exactly, IS Sharia law? Sure, you could ask American Muslims, consult religious scholars, or even check Wikipedia, but none of this is necessary, because we have America's foremost expert on bestiality, Rick Santorum, to explain it to us.

"Sharia is a code, a civil code -- both how the government is to operate [and] things as mundane as personal hygiene, religious practices. It is made up of various texts -- not just the Quran -- that is a code by which Muslims have to live."

OK. That's actually pretty fair, all things considered. What else?

"This new existential threat to America, Sharia and its violent iteration jihadism, has yet to be adequately explained by our leaders -- except in using the term terror to describe its military profile that it's violent, widespread and fanatical. But it's more, including non-violent efforts to insinuate Sharia law in Western countries, including our own."

Got it. A civil code of religious behavior restrictions that a few million Americans voluntarily follow is being insinuated into the United States, and therefore threatens America's existence. Now, some people without the clear vision and logical skill of a Rick Santorum might argue that there's a missing piece that somehow causes the first quote to lead to the second quote, but those people would have their heads in the sand. Sharia law has already been imposed on American soil, and thousands of Americans live under its heel even as we speak.

That's why the efforts of Texas state rep. Leo Benson is sponsoring a bill in Texas that would prevent the state's courts from considering any religious law when making decisions. So Texas won't become like Dearborn, Michigan, Sharia's toehold in America. But I'll let Benson explain it in his own words. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I heard it on a radio station here on my way in to the Capitol one day. I don’t know Dearborn, Michigan but I heard it on the radio. Isn’t that true?"

That's how huge a threat Sharia is to America. Our legislative wheels turn slowly! There wasn't time to learn anything about Dearborn. There wasn't time to actually find out if it was true. The point is, someone said it on the radio, and Benson acted to protect America. Would you criticize Benson if he stabbed a Hasidic Jew on an airplane, after hearing on the radio that terrorists had beards? This is the same thing. He acted in the best interests of his constituents, based on the information that happened to pass through his ears one time. Give that man a medal.

Dearborn is, of course, not actually under Sharia law. Which is why Terry (Still Not The Good One) Jones went there to protest and burn a Koran, because why should he limit the innocent victims of his bigoted crusade to Afghanistan? And just to be sure his message of peace was heard loud and clear, he brought his .40 caliber handgun.

Which he accidentally discharged.

While getting into his car.

Sending a bullet into the floorboards of his vehicle.

Of course, that's what the liberal "police report" claims happened, but we know the truth. See, like many people in his geographic and socioeconomic position, the floor of Terry Jones' car is littered with pork rinds. As he got into his car that fateful day, however, he noticed a suspicious gap in pork rind coverage around his brake pedal. Jones leaped to the only logical conclusion - that his brake panel had converted to radicalized jihadist Islam, and shot it. He missed, of course, but he's pretty sure he scared the brake pedal into going to church with him on Sunday, so it's all working out.

For Terry Jones... and for America.