Rhymes With Hee Haw

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Memo to TIMMEH: PLEASE DON'T LOSE. THEN LOSE.

I've decided. I want Tim "TIMMEH" Pawlenty, stooge of Grover Norquist, eight-year miserable fucking governor of Minnesota, Club For Growth sock puppet, and all-around douchebag champion to come in second in the Republican presidential primaries. I want him to spend lots of time, and lots of money, just trailing a slightly crazier frontrunner, preferably Donald Trump or Rick Santorum, but I'll take Huckabee or Barbour in a pinch. And then I want him to lose and not get the nomination.

And you know why? Because I could watch TIMMEH campaign for months. He's the friend nobody likes. He's the guy you keep around because he's the only one with a car that everyone fits in and actually runs most of the time. He's the guy you go to parties with, then spend the entire party pretending he didn't come with you. He's desperate to please, but lacks any ability to make it seem natural and unforced. So he tries to be all things to all people, and ends up being a laughingstock to everybody.

He encourages the nickname "T-Paw". I don't know who coined it, but it's clear from his campaign website that he embraces it. I don't know if he thinks it's like his "Dubya", but I do know this. Nobody who insists you use his lame-ass nickname deserves to be President. Barack Obama has a certain wonkish Ivy League cool about him, but even that would vanish into the ether the first time you heard him say "My supporters call me B-Oba. Like the bounty hunter."

He thinks he's dramatic. We all know about the Handshake Of Doom and the MABASPLOO! campaign ads. Now, it's possible that he likes the attention the ads give him, in a "no bad press" kind of way, but I know a little bit about the effects of social inferiority, on account of my formative nerd years. One thing that goes hand in hand with that? Power fantasies. And I swear, the only image TIMMEH would need to make the picture complete would be a shot of him saving a hot cheerleader with his graphing calculator.

He thinks he's funny and relatable. He's got a subtle-as-a-brick joke about Obama being from another planet that he thinks birthers laugh along with. And then there's this bit he dropped on a bunch of Iowa College Republicans. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We may not in this room have tiger blood like he does. But we've got something else in common with him. There's going to be a lot of winning on the Republican side in 2012."

Wow. That couldn't be any more cringe-worthy if it were a Cringe Quilt, made up of hundreds of squares, each square honoring someone who died horribly on stage after a really awkward attempt to seem hip to pop culture. And every other square in the quilt honored the other horrible moment in that speech, where Pawlenty told the same crowd that "If this was a Lady Gaga song, the relationship between the youth vote and Barack Obama would be ‘Bad Romance.’"

He wants to be a Tea Party darling. Last Friday, he went to Boston, learned how to say "Don't Tread On Me" phonetically, and earned two more squares in the Cringe Quilt - one for making a joke about Jimmy McMillan*, and one for telling the damn "Obama's From Another Planet" joke for the fiftieth fucking time.

But he also wants to be a reasonable alternative to the Tea Party, because he's come out in the post-Trump era and said publicly he thinks Barack Obama is a U.S. citizen. And he didn't even use the "take him at his word" code everyone knows you're suppose to use to wink wink at the racists and show you're secretly one of them.

Now obviously, you can't get anywhere in the Republican Party without hating gay people. Dick Cheney had to hate his own daughter for the better part of a decade just so he could self-medicate his erectile dysfunction by bombing brown people. I'm sure TIMMEH thought he could just coast on by, opposing gay marriage and promising to reinstate Don't Ask Don't Tell, and everyone would give him a pass.

Unfortunately, one of the old tropes of the anti-gay agenda, the lie that homosexuality is a "public health risk" and thus can be regulated or banned by the government, has been seeing a resurgence amongst the far right in America. And so TIMMEH got asked about it. And like any Republican confronted with his own party's ignorant, bald-face bigotry... he punted. Awkwardly.

"Well, my view in terms of the FAMiLY Leader questions is that we have a country that has traditionally respected things like traditional marriage, which I support. But you know, I have my own views on these matters... Is it a health risk? Well, we have some evidence to indicate that if you engage in unprotected sex you might increase the chance of getting the HIV/AIDS. But you know, that’s also true, can be true in heterosexual community as well."

Ah, the old pas de doofus. "I'm not a bigot, but I take meetings with bigots and validate their views because if I don't, the bigots won't vote for me, and you can't win the GOP primary without the bigot vote!" Except that when TIMMEH does the dance, he knocks over his date, rips off his own pants, and fear-poops in the punch bowl.

So please, TIMMEH. For the sake of all that is good and funny, take this as far as you possibly can without actually winning anything. Make me the happiest man on the Internet.

*Yes, I'm making you look him up. Doing so reinforces my point. Trust me.