You Got Your Gay In My Elaborate Medieval Fantasy!

« March 2011 »

Memo to "Bastal": YOU ARE DUMB.

As a straight, white, male, nerd, gamer, I find myself apologizing for my ilk on a near-constant basis. But it's a rare day when I have to apologize for all four types at once. So I'd like to thank Bastal for bitching to Bioware about all the dudes hitting on him in Dragon Age 2.

Now, I haven't played Dragon Age 2. That's because I played Dragon Age 1. And while Dragon Age 1 was well-made, it was, essentially, a 70-hour Tolkien-wank ode to walking, brown landscapes, and the politics of dwarves. Given the option, I made my character sacrifice himself at the end just so I could get some FUCKING CLOSURE. But I do recall that, if you chose to, and played your cards right, your dude could have banged another dude.

See, Bioware games always give you a half-dozen or so companions, of both genders. And your character can be either gender. And in Dragon Age, you can make romantic subplots happen between your character and most of the other characters, regardless of gender. This puts it one step more progressive than Bioware's SF series, Mass Effect, which has lesbianitude but no hot spaceman on spaceman action.

And this bugged the crap out of Bastal, who felt that, as a straight male gamer, he was being slighted. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It makes things very awkward when your male companions keep making passes at you. The fact that a 'No Homosexuality' option, which could have been easily implemented, is omitted just proves my point. I know there are some straight male gamers out there who did not mind it at and I respect that."

It's very nice of him to "respect" the open-mindedness of other gamers while demanding that the game company cater to his closed-mindedness. That's very plausible deniability of him. And how can it be awkward when a bundle of pixels makes a fake pass at a lonely man sitting in a dark room? Technology making douchebags uncomfortable is not "awkward". It's just sad.

Anyway, there is a "No Homosexuality" option for straight male gamers. It's called Every Game Not Made By Bioware. Games are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the straightest, most hetero-normative medium on the fucking planet. You can't even apply the Kinsey Scale to it. Well you can, but it requires... extensive modification, as the traditional scale of Completely Heterosexual (0) to Completely Homosexual (6) does not adequately describe the range of characters you find in the video game world.

Luckily, I have undertaken that extensive modification on your behalf. Behold!

Bioware goes farther than anyone else in the mainstream game industry, and the farthest it goes is a bit of potentially bisexual romance. And even then you only get gay males in two games, total. And the second time they do that, some over-intellectualizing conservative asshole nerd has to raise paragraph after paragraph of what he thinks is well-reasoned argument, but which boils down to "a fake man looked at my virtual penis" gay panic.

"The whole point of the argument relies on the central point that straight male gamers make up a overwhelming majority of players. As I said before, I estimate that the number is around 80% (this includes straight males gamers who plays a females). Now if my numbers are at all wrong (that in reality the split is 60-40-10 (male, female, gay), then consider this post to be null and void, I've wasted your time (No doubt some of you already feel that way)."

Ignoring the fact that he's pulling numbers out of his ass, admitting that's where he got them from, and saying his whole argument depends on those numbers THEREFORE HE IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG, it doesn't matter how many straight male gamers there are. Bastal seems to think that the only way Bioware can make a good game is by appealing to the majority of the audience, but while the majority of the audience may well be straight dudes, the majority of the audience clearly isn't so insecure that merely having to choose a bit of dialogue where you tell a gay character you don't want to sleep with him causes an Internet freakout.

So, to recap. A microscopic fraction of video games have gay romance - the vast majority of the rest focus on titties and guns. A tiny fraction of the games that have gay romance are actually spent on gay romance, the vast majority of the rest focuses on walking, shopping for armor, and deciding which button to map the Fireball to. And on that startling occasion, that one in a million chance, that gay romance actually rears its gay head, so to speak? All you have to do is pick the "No, thanks" dialogue option.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what caused Bastal to feel betrayed as a straight, male gamer nerd. So again, sorry for my gender, sorry for my orientation, sorry for my social classification, and sorry for my hobby. Because they can all be real dumbfucks when they put their tiny minds to it.