Go, West

« March 2011 »

Memo to Allen West, Allen West, and some combination of Victoria Jackson, Showbiz Tonight, and Big Hollywood: YOU ARE DUMB.

We're never going to stop paying attention to crazy people, are we? I'm not talking about Charlie Sheen. I'm talking about actual crazy people. People who, despite their demonstrable history of psychosis and erratic behavior, we turn to for advice on how to write laws, choose religions, or watch TV shows about musical teenagers. We keep asking them questions, even though week in and week out, all these IDIOTS do is SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Major Hassan was shouting 'Allahu Allahu Akbar'. The people that flew planes into those buildings shouted 'Allahu Allahu Akbar'. I've been on the battlefield, my friend. Don't try to blow sunshine up my butt... You attacked us!" - Rep. Allen West, continuing his anti-Muslim demagoguery after a member of CAIR asked him to cite Koranic verse that called for the murder of innocents.

Man, that right there is the power of modern-day Republicanism. The day has come when a black Congressman can look a Muslim constituent in the eye and call him, essentially, "you people". All to the rousing cheers of a room full of white bigots. Free at last!

Also, Allen West should not be allowed to use his time on the battlefield as an example of his exemplary relations with the Muslim community, since his time on the battlefield ended after he had his men beat an Iraqi police officer in an unauthorized and misguided interrogation attempt. Better to have sunshine blown up your butt than a pistol fired next to your head, right, Rep. West?

"So I think I’ve done my share to bring the light of freedom into the Islamic world. And for this young man to come up to me and try to castigate me as some enemy of Islam, I will not tolerate that." - Allen West, the next day, to Fox News' Steve Doocy.

Oh, for fuck's sake. There was an entire room of xenophobes, your entire target demographic, CHEERING YOU because you were letting them know you were an enemy of Islam. Maybe you think you shouldn't be castigated for it, but there's no difference between you saying you love Muslims because you served in Iraq, and anti-semitic Christians who wonder how they could possibly hate Jews when they love Jesus. You're both full of shit, and frankly, you're doing a disservice to all that shit, which we could probably find better uses for.

"Well, it doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what the Bible says. And I'm really concerned about our country because immorality is, well, let's see: secular humanism rules the airwaves, and it's stealing the innocence away from this whole generation of children. My daughter is a teenager and I cant find any show that she can watch. [Homophobic]'s a cute little buzzword of the liberal agenda, Basically, the Bible says that homosexuality is a sin." - Victoria Jackson, on Showbiz Tonight.

Now, Victoria Jackson is obviously a clinically insane moron. We all know that, because we read You Are Dumb. That's not what I want to use this quote to point out.

What I want to use this quote to point out is that Victoria Jackson got to go on Showbiz Tonight because of all the mainstream attention she got for writing on a blog that the male-male kiss on a recent "Glee" was "disgusting". That blog? Not Big Hollywood, which nurtured Jackson's fledgling pundit career like she was a baby parakeet with congenital illnesses, but rather WorldNetDaily, the big dog in the tiny, crap-filled dog park that is the right-wing blogosphere.

In other words, Vickie spends years slaving away at a keyboard, pouring her soul out as one of Big Hollywood's brightest, craziest right-wing pseudo-celebrities, and the only people who notice are nerds like me who find the whole thing hilarious. She jumps to WorldNetDaily, writes ONE column full of the same things we've spent years mocking her for, and everyone notices and CNN's on the phone within hours. John Nolte's distended ballsack must be feeling pretty bruised right about now.