Mad Dicks On

« March 2011 »

Memo to the Wisconsin GOP: YOU PETTY LITTLE FUCKERS.

The standoff in Wisconsin is another week old. When last we left the intrepid state capital, Democrats had fled over the state line to prevent a quorum on Scott Walker's union-busting bill, and Walker had gotten busted by a prank call from fake billionaire Not David Koch.

Public support is slipping away, and "calling the Democrats lazy cowards" has failed to produce the desired results. Fox News did its best, reversing poll numbers to make it look like Walker had the people on his side and showing footage of violent union thugs protesting in sunny, be-palmtreed "Wisconsin", but it didn't help. Which left the Wisconsin Republicans with only one course of action:

Be the biggest dickheads they possibly can.

The Fake Koch call exposed the original dickhead scheme - pretending to negotiate, luring the Democrats into a quorum so they could have the vote without giving up any ground. They tried closing the Capitol to protesters, but the courts put the kibosh on that within hours.

So instead, they've instituted "security measures" in the Capitol so draconian that it's caused Democrats in the Assembly (only the Senate had to leave the state) to move their offices outside in the cold just so their constituents can get to them. They're having police escort visitors everywhere, even to the bathroom. And that's after the lengthy search and security wanding to even get in in the first place. So it's legally open to the public, it's just massively inconvenient. Dick move.

They've also, and I am not shitting you, introduced a bill to make prank calls illegal. Which is not what they mean by "transparency in government", by the way. You can't just make shit illegal when it embarrasses you. That's why Dubya never banned Segways.

But like a tracking shot in a porn movie, the dick doesn't stop there. The Republicans also passed a resolution fining the Democrats $100 for each day they don't show up. Not only is that dickish, it's laughably incompetent. The Daily Kos could raise $1400 a day just by flashing its logo in Morse code. To hit the Democrats in the pocketbook, you'd have to be a REAL dick.

You know, do something like arbitrarily and by fiat cancelling lawmakers' direct deposit, in the hopes that they'll have to come in to pick up their checks in person, thereby somehow creating a quorum. I guess they were gonna put the paychecks under a propped-up cardboard box or some other Wile E. Coyote bullshit. Luckily, Democratic senator Jon Erpenbach is smarter than a rabbit, gave his staff power of attorney, which legally let them pick up his check. At which point Senate Majority Leader Scott Fitzgerald conceded the point and just mailed the check.

Reports that Fitzgerald was caught in the cardboard box when he went to retrieve the check could not be confirmed as of press time.

Let's see, what else? There was a resolution that said the Democrats would be in contempt, and the police could use force to bring them in, if they didn't show up by 4 p.m. yesterday. This was slightly less effective than the Thumb-Twiddling Act of 2011 they passed later that afternoon. Oh, and they're assigning the Democrats' staffers to Republicans, but saying it's just in case of emergencies. So dicky and disingenuously dicky, respectively.

And they're just getting started. Next week's plans, according to sources, include TP-ing the Democrats' offices, passing a resolution that any Senator not in the Capitol by noon Tuesday is a doodyhead, declaring martial law, declaring marshall tucker band, and basically everything they can think of to avoid getting only ninety fucking percent of what they want. How can people with such tiny dicks and such tiny heads be such huge dickheads? It's the magic of Wisconsin, I guess.