Insecure, Obnoxious, Or Unnecessary?

« December 2010 »

Memo to the audience: IT'S GAME SHOW TIME!

Today we're going to play a game called Insecure, Obnoxious, or Unnecessary! I'll tell you a story, and you can decide which of those three things it is! And no, this isn't just a shameful slapdash wraparound theme for Spastic Topic Monkey Friday because it's already late and I've been neglecting Forkbastard almost as much as 90% of you do every day. Really, it's not.

We start at a website called Refinery 29, a website I would never have known of if it weren't for the Huffington Post's ridiculously voracious RSS aggregation habits. Shortly after Thanksgiving, I saw what was easily the most horrifying headline I have read all year, to a story (if a bunch of pictures in a web slideshow can count as a "story", and these days, apparently, it can) about how to use fashion to conceal any weight you may have gained over Turkey Day. That headline?

"Five Outfits To Hide That Food Baby"

I don't know if this is a thing or not. It's in Urban Dictionary, but a lot of things are in Urban Dictionary that aren't things at all. But I do know this. When I read this for the first time, I physically recoiled. And it is not easy to do that with pure linguistics. I mean, the "food baby" part is bad enough - a Frankenstein lexicographical obscenity of the first order. But for some reason, putting "that" in front of it just makes it three times as smarmy and punchable.

If you guessed OBNOXIOUS, give yourself three points. UNNECESSARY, two points. INSECURE, one point.

Our next tale of woe involves, as so many tales of woe do, the United States Congress. Now, I know you think they're a bunch of dipshits who can never get anything done, but sometimes, they're a bunch of dipshits who get dipshitty things done. Like a few weeks ago, when they banned "crush" videos.

You remember crush videos, right? From a few years ago? Those videos for fetishists where women would crush small animals under stiletto heels? Those things that didn't really exist until everyone talked about how they existed and then people started making them? Those things we all pretended to care about for a few months during a slow news cycle?

So why is Congress bothering to ban them now, and leaving Jersey Shore completely untouched? Well, you see, they'd banned them once before - according to the news, in 1999, which cannot possibly be true because there was no Internet streaming video to speak of in 1999, and anyway, if it's true it makes me feel really old - but the Supreme Court decided the law was too broad and infringed on First Amendment freedoms. So they tried again with a narrower bill.

Now, if Democrats had been smart, they would have declared this a major part of the Obama agenda, just so Republicans would reflexively oppose it, but that's tactical thinking, and not part of a serious bipartisan problem-solving pragmatic mindset.

If you guessed UNNECESSARY, you get three points. INSECURE, two points. And OBNOXIOUS, only one point.

And finally, we turn our gaze southward, to Fort Worth, Texas. In case you're wondering if Fort Worth is one of the less conservative parts of Texas, you should see an optometrist, because I didn't type "Austin" there. Also, enjoy this exciting tale.

There are atheists in Fort Worth, Texas. They are, I'm guessing, fucking miserable there. Some of them, feeling the need to give themselves a little elbow room in deep Jesusland, decided to pay for some ads on buses that say "Millions Of Americans Are Good Without God". Fair enough. Totally true. Could stand mentioning. Largely nonthreatening.

In the spirit of being totally nonthreatened by a couple million atheists and/or the very concept of public transit, a bunch of local, god-fearing businessmen got together, took a big-ass billboard van from one guy's media company, plastered an "I Still Love You - God" billboard on the side, and had the van FOLLOW THE BUS around all day.

If you guessed "INSECURE", give yourself a thousand points. How unsure of your faith do you have to be to drop that much cash to counter a single, lonely bus advertisement? If you guessed "OBNOXIOUS", give yourself a thousand points. You're following a public bus around with a private van, wasting gas, and time. I'm sure you think Jesus turned those dinosaurs he rode into oil specifically so that you could pull stunts like this, but you're an idiot, and nobody cares what you think, no matter how many times you drive past them displaying it.

And if you guessed UNNECESSARY, give yourself a thousand points. This particular atheist billboard doesn't even have a conversion message. Just a statement of fact, a declaration of existence. Everyone knows Christians have the numbers on their side, and that numbers are always a convenient replacement for facts.

If you guessed all thre, by the way, give yourself a million points and crown yourself the Ken Jennings of Insecure, Obnoxious, or Unnecessary!