« November 2010 »

Memo to Bryan Fischer: JESUS TOLD ME HE HATES YOU.

I know that the world's going to hell in a handbasket. The Korean War is going to start up again, and Alan Alda's too old to serve. The world just found out that diplomats can't spell either.*, and yet another young Muslim has been strung along by the FBI long enough to make Pam Gellar wet her pants**.

But dammit, four days straight without writing leaves me in a mood less suited for complicated geopolitics, and more suited for yet another discussion of the latest example of psychotic, extremist rhetoric that falls, roughly, within the bounds of mainstream discourse. I'm referring, of course, to American Family Association higher-up/public face Bryan Fischer, who's no stranger to this space on account of being one of the all-time biggest fuckholes in the public sphere. Last week, on his blog, he delivered this startling pronouncement:

"We have feminized the Medal of Honor."

Now, this is a very serious charge, because to an AFA Jesus-freak like Fischer, "feminizing" is about the worst thing you can possibly do. It's at the root of their gay-hate, as evidenced by the fact that they demonize stereotypical gay males about a billion times more than, say, carpentry-loving lesbians. And, of course, it's tied into their fundamental misogynistic view of traditional gender roles, and how violating those roles is a crime against nature.

And of course, by "we", he means America, and by America, he means Obama, even though his evidence spans the entire modern War On Terror. So how, exactly, did we "feminize" the Medal of Honor? If you haven't seen this, prepare to love to hate it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"According to Bill McGurn of the Wall Street Journal, every Medal of Honor awarded during these two conflicts has been awarded for saving life. Not one has been awarded for inflicting casualties on the enemy. Not one... When we think of heroism in battle, we used the think [sic] of our boys storming the beaches of Normandy under withering fire, climbing the cliffs of Pointe do Hoc while enemy soldiers fired straight down on them, and tossing grenades into pill boxes to take out gun emplacements. That kind of heroism has apparently become passe when it comes to awarding the Medal of Honor. We now award it only for preventing casualties, not for inflicting them.

Ah, paragraphs that make me want to change my first name so that I don't have to share it with this dipshit. And procure an independent air supply so that I'll be safe on the off chance his particular brand of misguided, third-hand jingoism is contagious. Despite (as best as I can tell) being 70 years old, Fischer seems to have gotten his entire view on heroism from World War II movies. He certainly never got it by serving in the military.

Men should be manly, manliness is killing lots of brown people. By not giving out medals for killing lots of brown people, we are rewarding unmanly behavior like wading through a hail of bullets to rescue a fallen comrade. Which is something only a girl would do, which means it's essentially worthless in Fischer's addled mind.

Later in his piece, he actually turned that time Jesus allegedly died on the cross into an aggressive act, which, even as a literary interpretation of a work of fiction, is pretty fucking egregious. Fischer's writing provoked the usual level of outrage - a bit more than "I can't believe he said that" and considerably less than "let's punish him for being such a fucking idiot by shunning him from the public discourse" - and so he sought to clarify his comments in a followup post.

"It is striking that a certain amount of the criticism I have received actually verifies my thesis. In response to my call to also honor those who have killed bad guys in defense of our country, I have been called everything from savage to brute to bloodthirsty to anti-American to un-American to traitor to “expletives deleted” to the antichrist himself."

Since you clearly can't follow his logic here, allow me to explain. Since people criticized him for saying his perfectly reasonable point was bloodthirsty and extreme, we are clearly not as bloodthirsty and extreme as he is, which was his entire point in the first place - we're all feminized, and only he is manly enough to see how much the Bible loves killing people.

Also, anti-American, un-American, and traitor are all the same thing, so if the deleted expletive was "fucking" and modified "moron", they weren't wrong from a purely taxonomic standpoint. A standpoint confirmed by the conclusion to his clarification:

"The bottom line here is that the God of the Bible clearly honors those who show valor and gallantry in waging aggressive war in a just cause against the enemies of freedom, even while inflicting massive casualties in the process. What I’m saying is that it’s time we started imitating God’s example again."

Fischer is, of course, a sociopath. And while his particular love of genocide against the unbelievers didn't cause the current wars, it certainly was part of the mindset that cheered them on, and allowed Dick Cheney's crew to implement their fucked-up schemes. And if contributing in some small way to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of civilians is as worthy of a reward as Fischer thinks, then I hope he gets what's coming to him. Real soon now.

*Technically, I actually haven't looked at any of the new Wikileaks stuff, or any of the coverage of it, but I bet those cables are riddled with typos.

**Technically, Pam Gellar's pants are in a perpetual state of fear-urine saturation, but the news of the Oregon plot did increase the overall throughput by ten to fifteen percent.<?p>