Overstuffed

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Memo to Jim DeMint, Joyce Kaufman, Andy Harris, and Ronald Rychlak: YOU ARE DUMB.

Since I'm probably going to skip both Thanksgiving and Black Friday, I thought I'd be kind to a readership that's been kind to me and close out the week with an extra-large, over-stuffed turkey of an IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS column. If you're feeling sleepy by the end, it's not the tryptophan, it's just the crushing weight of stupid.

"I think if Christine had not been so vilified by the Republican Party when she first won the primary, she might have had a shot at this." - Senator Jim DeMint (R-DBag) explaining the only obstacle to Christine O'Donnell joining him in the Senate. THE ONLY OBSTACLE!

Look. I'm a reasonably big fan of party unity. I mean, I'm a Democrat, so it's really more of an abstract concept to me than anything else, but I think it's OK. But even ignoring the fact that DeMint is an idiot, and Christine O'Donnell's candidacy was a Coldstone Creamery nightmare of problem-flavored ice cream with mix-ins of problems, problems, and crazy sprinkles? You can't expect every establishment Republican to choke down their vomit and paste on a fake smile at a moment's notice.

DeMint is sort of a bridge between the Old Guard, who didn't believe the shit that came out of their mouths, and the O'Donnell types, who not only believe it, but believe that the Old Guard believed it too. Of course the establishment is going to balk a bit when one of their monsters breaks free and starts eating villagers. Worry less about that, and more about the fact that you've got a bunch of vat-grown Liberty University drones making public policy.

"I will not be used in an electronic lynching by proxy. You guys can do all the things you want to me, but I will not participate in you trying to destroy him." - Right-wing radio host Joyce Kaufman, explaining why she wouldn't be serving as Allen "Fuck Coexistence" West's chief of staff.

If I could just take a quick moment to speak to every half-assed right-wing personality out there: Could you please, just as a favor to me, stop trying to be the next fucking Clarence Thomas every time your past comes back to bite you on the ass? Because she's a right-wing radio host, she's said a ton of stupid, inflammatory shit over the years. Pointing that out is not a "lynching".

For that matter, pointing that out isn't even the tattered remains of the semantic content of the word "lynching" after you've shredded it by modifying it with "electronic" on one end and "by proxy" on the other. And coming from a woman who recommended hanging for illegal immigrants who commit any crimes at all, that's especially egregious.

"Not my family. I have insurance, and I have the ability to have insurance. But for anyone else who gets a job — and again, the irony that the federal government would go to the American people and our employers and say you have to provide insurance — and yet our federal employees get hired, and if they don't get hired on the right day of the month, they actually have to go without health care for awhile." - Newly elected Maryland Republican Andy Harris, who is a dancing machine. Watch him get down.

Andy Harris got busted being a fucking moron. A typical anti-Obama, anti-Obamacare member of the new congressional class, Harris showed up at the new employee orientation and demanded to know why he had to wait a month, an ENTIRE MONTH, for his government-run health care to kick in. When this leaked, Harris realized how fucking stupid this made him look.

Unfortunately, he didn't realize how stupid his "oh, I didn't mean ME" excuse would make him look, because one of the fun things about private sector health insurance is that any new employer plan usually takes at least a month to go into effect. Something that wouldn't be a problem with, say, a public option. And even less of a problem with single-payer. Instead, Harris has to scramble and fuck around with COBRA and possibly steal their weather dominator, just to make sure he has continuity of care. It's an outrage, or it would be if he didn't want to make sure it stayed an outrage.

"Let's be clear: One cannot see into the heart of another, and we must respect and accept the president's claim to be a fully believing Christian. It is unfortunate that he has had to face so many crazy theories, beliefs, and downright falsehoods. On the other hand, his demeanor and his approach to religion is the cause of most of the problems." - Washington Post guest blogger Ronald Rychlak, explaining why Obama's a Muslim.

Ah, so many things wrong with this. First, thanks to modern medical scanning and ultrasound, it actually is possible to see into the heart of another. We do it all the time. Second, because we're coming up on the Christmas shopping season, let's lovingly unwrap the startling array of qualifiers Rychlak used in his "get out of being a birther free" phrase.

"We must" - we are being forced to. If we didn't have to, we wouldn't. "Respect and accept" - neither of these words means "believe". Nobody like this ever says they believe Obama. At most, they say they "take him at his word", which sounds like some unspoken code of honor prevents them from saying otherwise. "President's claim" - "claim" is a word people only ever use when they mean "that motherfucker is lying". And finally, "fully believing". Implying there's some sliding scale of Christianity, some minimum faith bar that Obama says he clears, but probably doesn't.

And then he goes ahead and blames the fucking victim for acting all Muslimy. Nice one, asshole.