Dance Central

« November 2010 »

Memo to Carl Paladino, Ben Shapiro, Phoenix, AZ, and any side of the Bristol Palin Dance Thing: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'm not going to even pretend there's a unifying theme this week. Other than the Grand Unified Theme, the one thread that's run through nearly six full years of You Are Dumb Dot Net - stupidity, and how funny it is. You've got my last holdover from Election 2010, a sadfunny headline, a funnysad sign, and Palinspawn, all lumped together in an as-special-as-usual edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"As our next governor, you can grab this handle and bring the people with you to Albany. Or you can leave it untouched and run the risk of having it wielded against you. Because make no mistake, you have not heard the last of Carl Paladino." - Carl "Horses Fucking Women Are Cool" Paladino, waving a baseball bat around during his concession speech.

That man is probably right. No, not the part about how governors lead mobs of angry villagers around using baseball bats. And no, not the part about how successful governance means beating people with a baseball bat before they grab it out of your hands and beat you with it instead. And certainly not the "make no mistake" part - Carl Paladino's political career has been a non-stop series of mistakes since the universe first heard his name.

No, the part he's probably right about is how we haven't heard the last of him. By all rights, we should have heard the last of him. His loss was huge, his concession speech insane, and his campaign and life incompetent on a scale nearly unmatched in 2010. And since he's so clearly unfit to even run for public office, much less hold it, he'll probably move somewhere full of crazy people and be a Senator in two years.

"America Loves Manly Men Not Metrosexual Emos" - Headline to a Ben Shapiro article on Big Hollywood.

"Metrosexual emos", Ben? Just because you'd get in trouble for writing "faggots" doesn't mean your homophobic homophonic paraphrase is actually any better. Also, exactly how much, speaking on behalf of America, of course, do you love manly men?

"IF YOU THINK DIFFERENT YOU ARE WRONG" - Sign for the under-construction Light Of The World Church in Phoenix, Arizona.

No, wait, it's not what you think. OK, it kind of is what you think, but it's not what you think. You see, Light of the World isn't telling you you're wrong if you think differently in general. That's just an awesome Freudian slip from the Jesus set. What they mean is, if you think they're building a MOSQUE, you're wrong.

See, for some reason that's totally unrelated to the Oklahoma anti-Sharia law, the furor over the Park 51 project, or the non-stop drumbeat of anti-Muslim rhetoric from right-wing media, some Phoenix residents got it in their head that the dome-shaped building being erected in their midst wasn't the right kind of dome-shaped building, but the wrong kind. The kind that brings brown people with beards.

So, really, when you think about it, "If you think different, you are wrong" is the strongest message of tolerance these people could come up with. If you squint, it might even resemble progress. Sort of. Not really.

"I think I'm definitely relatable to the audience out there, and untouched and raw and vulnerable. No offense to anyone else, but I'm not fake... I'm not typical Hollywood." - Bristol Palin, explaining why people keep voting for her on Dancing With The Stars even though she can't dance for shit, apparently.

OK, I'm going to defend Bristol Palin here. Not for her bullshit reason for why she keeps surviving, though. I mean, it's obvious what's happening here. People of limited political worldviews think that it's a win for their side if she stays on the show. Everybody knows that. Oh, and I'm not going to defend her choice of adjectives, either - anyone who sees Bristol Palin as "untouched" clearly hasn't been watching the news.

But seriously, who gives a shit if Teabag Nation keeps voting for her in a glorified talent show? Let 'em have it. It keeps them off the streets. It's the only vote they'll ever cast in their lives that won't hurt anyone. And it's convincing them to tune in every week for ballroom dancing, which I'm sure Ben Shapiro thinks is both metrosexual and emo, if you know what I mean. Who knows. It might help.