Hey, Remember This Other Asshole?

« November 2010 »

Memo to Tucker Carlson: YOU'RE THAT DESPERATE?

So roughly, what was it, Thursday through Tuesday was the Great Olbermann Saga, which I did not address, except for a couple of tweets, which is really all I could manage. I mean, Olbermann's OK. A little of that goes a long way, especially in the post-Bush era where that level of bombastic outrage has to be maintained for years after the offenses, as offensive as they are, have been normalized.

But here's the thing. I don't give two shits about MSNBC's internal politics, and neither should you. MSNBC's not my network. I mean, sure, I "lean forward", but that's just because my posture sucks. I was as surprised as anyone when they decided to use how I play Kirby's Epic Yarn as their new network slogan. But the one hour a day they give to Rachel Maddow really doesn't help me identify with the other 23 hours of Scarborough, Dylan Ratigan (who really deserves his own column one of these days - what an incredible asshat), Potato Head, Lawrence O'Donnell, and to a lesser extent, Ed Schultz.

MSNBC isn't my Fox. I don't have a Fox. I don't need a Fox, because I'm not an inbred, half-assed idjit who needs to agree with a balding middle-aged white man on my TV. Well, unless we're talking about Alton Brown. But that's different. Conservatives obsess over MSNBC much more than us liberals do (or, rarely, should). Case in point, Tucker Carlson.

Remember Tucker Carlson? Riding high on basic cable during the Bush years, got fired a couple of times, and this year tried to start a conservative Huffington Post clone called the Daily Caller, because like with Wikipedia, the left gets ownership of large-scale fact/opinion aggregators, and the right gets jealous and starts a tiny little circle-jerk version of it to call their own.

Anyway, in a stunt nobody really noticed earlier this year, Tucker Carlson bought the keitholbermann.com domain and paraded it around like it was Dolph Lundgren's ear necklace or something*, handing out keitholbermann.com addresses to both of the Caller's gleeful readers. Well, when the Olbermann political contributions hit the fan last week, Carlson couldn't resist using the keith@keitholbermann.com address he'd saved for himself and previously used only to send erotic mash notes to tucker@dailycaller.com, to respond to a reporter in faux-Olbermann dialect.

The reporter, Stu Bykofsky of the Philadelphia Daily News, was too stupid and lazy to type in the keitholbermann.com URL into a browser and watch it redirect you to the Daily Caller, so he e-mailed it looking for comment, got a fistful of Tucker, believed it was Olbermann, and a Philly blog also believed it was Olbermann and published the whole exchange, at which point people with clues saw it and figured out what had happened in about twenty seconds.

I know this is a lot of backstory and context, but it's important to truly understand how tiny a scope Carlson's working in these days to grasp how pathetic this is. And to set the stage for ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"'Could you resist?' Carlson said. 'It was just too funny. The flesh is weak.'" Carlson said he didn't expect the email exchange to be published." - Yahoo News, who uncovered the truth.

I could resist. But then, I have more impulse control than a twelve-year-old with his first boner, and no particular ambition to be a cut-rate Breitbart. Just two of the many things that separate me from Tucker Carlson. Also, if he really didn't expect the exchange to be published, then he's an even bigger idiot than he comes off as, and that's a very, very difficult bar to clear.

I suppose pretending to be Olbermann came naturally to Tucker, since right now he's doing a bad Arianna Huffington impersonation, the latest in a long line of bad impersonations in his career - George Will, Orville Redenbacher, a pundit, a human being... it'd be sad to see how far the mighty had fallen, if he'd actually ever been that mighty in the first place, and if this represented much of a fall.

*Ask your nerdy middle aged parents and/or boyfriend.