Winners And Losers

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Memo to Norman Dennison, Sean Parnell, and James Inhofe: YOU ARE DUMB.

In any election, there are winners, and there are losers. That's true of life as well. The winners and the losers are inescapably intertwined, linked together in an eternal dance of pushing and pulling, gaining and losing ground, fucking and being fucked. See if you can tell who the winners and losers are in this week's installment of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"“It’s a flat-out lie. I read my Bible,” Mr. Dennison said. “He made this earth for us to utilize." - Norman Dennison, founder of the Croydon, Illinois Tea Party.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating, so I'm gonna repeat it. If the seas rise and civilization collapses and I end up either dead, or even wildly inconvenienced as a result of fuckers like this, I will not take it kindly. For the context, Dennison was reviewed after a debate between conservative incumbent Democrat Baron Hill and his challenger, Todd Young, for one of those Midwestern congressional districts that's like 80% corn.

During the debate, Hill got booed for explaining why he voted for cap and trade - his reason being global fucking warming, which Mr. Dennison helpfully explained was a lie after the debate because the Bible said something 3,000 years ago and that's all the science he fucking well needs. Well, Hill lost to Young, cap and trade is dead, and Obama is going to try to find some other way of controlling carbon emissions that doesn't make Republicans angry. Good fucking luck with that - any sign that you might keep people from utilizing the Earth until the Rapture fixes everything for us is probably going to meet with some resistance.

"Only God knows... I really don't know. For either one of us to do it is quite speculative." - Sean Parnell, Alaska governor, when asked whether the earth was closer to 6,000 or six billion years old.

Well, I'll say this much. The man was eminently qualified to be Sarah Palin's second-in-command until she got bored with real work. Whenever any Republican answers a question of this type, in this way, it usually means "Of course it's six billion, you moron, but if I say it is, I'll be burned at the stake by my inbred, moose-fucking constituency."

Sometimes it means they're a creationist who wants to seem like a moderate, but very few creationists are capable of such complicated strategery, so nine times out of ten, it's the first one. Which is, by the way, almost worse than being a creationist, and I only say "almost" because there's actually nothing worse than being a creationist. But you know, popular Republicans who believe in science could maybe try and bring their followers a couple of millenia into the future, for the good of us all.

Or they can pander to the Jesus-freaks and win by eleven fucking percentage points. Whatever works, I guess.

"We’ll take over the following seats where there are Democratic incumbents: Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Illinois, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Washington state, West Virginia — where I’ll be Monday — North Dakota, and I think California. Now that’s Barbara Boxer. She’s the one that’s been sitting next to me on the armed services, uh, the environment and public works committee . We can win in Connecticut, Delaware, certainly in Nevada. But the ones I named first, in my opinion, are certainties that Republicans will win, and that’s what it will take for us to take control." - Senator James Inhofe, wrong about everything ever.

I swear, when Inhofe called the Senate for the GOP a week before the election, that was the instant I stopped worrying about losing the Senate. It's like when Karl Rove said he had his own math. Inhofe is so consistently wrong that you could set your clock by him, if you were somehow able to ask him what time it was 1,439 times in a single minute.

For the record, he was wrong about Colorado, Washington, West Virginia (thanks for the help, asshole!), and California. If you just include his certainties, that's only 60% success. If you include his other three, all of which he got wrong, that drops him below fifty percent. And since a lobotomized chicken could have predicted Arkansas and North Dakota, his showing is even less impressive.

Of course, he's still a Senator, he still thinks global warming is a hoax, and his stupidity is still going to doom us all to a slow, painful death, so I guess the joke's on us after all.