Table Scraps

« October 2010 »

Memo to Bob Dudley, Tea Party Nation, and Tim Profitt: YOU ARE DUMB.

You people are lucky to be getting anything. There was a time, not too many years ago, when I'd have Photoshopped a cartoon fern onto a video game controller keyboard and that would have been it for today. But I'm more dedicated than that. Barely. So I'm taking valuable Rock Band 3 time to throw three very recent quotes at you. Unifying theme? You wish. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"[There was] a great rush to judgment by a fair number of observers before the full facts could possibly be known, even from some in our industry. I watched graphic projections of oil swirling around the gulf, around Florida, across and around Bermuda to England — these appeared authoritative and inevitable. The public fear was everywhere." - BP CEO Bob Dudley, freed of the need to not look like a dickhead.

Fuck you. You used chemicals to hide it, public relations tricks to pretend it's not there, and now that the global microscopic attention span is safe, to ignore all the oil that fucking well ended up somewhere, you're going to go out in public and blame the people who hassled you in the first place about dumping millions of gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico and lying about it? That takes some fucking tar balls.

You got off easy and you know it. Why can't you be happy with a justifiably tarnished image and let it go? The financial hit was negligible, the media is long past caring whose pollution claims you ignore, and way too many people blame Hayward for being an insensitive prick. But that wasn't good enough for BP, I guess.

"There are a lot of liberals who need to be retired this year, but there are few I can think of more deserving than Keith Ellison. Ellison is one of the most radical members of congress. He has a ZERO rating from the American Conservative Union. He is the only Muslim member of congress. He supports the Counsel for American Islamic Relations, HAMAS and has helped congress send millions of tax to terrorists in Gaza." - The sick and [sic] text of a Tea Party Nation e-mail to supporters.

Thanks, teabaggers! In exchange for the additional 10% in joy I'm going to receive from voting for Ellison on Tuesday as a result of this e-mail, allow me to tell you why you're a bunch of inbred, antifreeze-drinking numbnuts who can't even spell shit on your signs right.

There are two Muslim members of Congress. It's the "Council on", not the "Counsel for". And you're missing a noun after "millions of tax". I assume you meant millions of tax "dollars", but you might as well have meant millions of "tacks", because that's not true either. Still, at least you were honest, and literally equated being Muslim with supporting terrorism without some plausible deniability buffer text. You're lucky half the country doesn't care that you are to brains what steroid abusers are to testicles.

"I'm sorry that it came to that, and I apologize if it appeared overly forceful, but I was concerned about Rand's safety." - Rand Paul campaign coordinator Tim "I Shit You Not, His Last Name Really Is" Profitt, explaining why he and his buddies threw a woman to the ground and stepped on her head outside the Kentucky Senate debate on Monday night.

This should be a depressing test case. If Profitt and Paul get away with minimizing it - if the right-wing pundits who leapt to their defense before the victim was even out of the hospital get away with calling it a provoked reaction, an unfortunate incident, or the kind of thing that is nobody's fault, just the kind of thing that happens, then you know we've sunk another inch deeper in the collective shithole.

I mean, in his statement above we've got passive voice responsibility-dodging, conditional apology ("I apologize if..."), a conditional apology for something other than the crime (we're not concerned that it "appeared overly forceful", we're concerned that you deliberately stepped on someone's head), and a blatantly transparent and phony excuse. Yes, Tim. Had you not bravely interposed your shoe over top of this prone woman's cranium, she might have gotten up, done a crane pose like the Karate Kid, and sprayed venom from her poison glands - venom that only affects libertarians. Because that's basically the only way a woman from MoveOn with a wig and a sign could have been particularly threatening to Rand Paul's safety.