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Memo to Sharron Angle, Rand Paul, and Christine O'Donnell: TIED FOR SECOND.

I officially declare the 2010 Election to be a bonafide, damn-near-literal Crazy-Off between Christine O'Donnell (Delaware, anti-wanking witch-wanker); Rand Paul (Kentucky, Atlas Shrugged At Nepotism); Joe Miller (Alaska, Captain Citizen's Arrest); Sharron Angle (Nevada, race-baiter); and Allen West (Florida, coexists with biker gangs).

Now, the standings keep changing, but this week, it was West who came up short, claiming that stories about him hanging with a criminal biker gang, the Outlaws, couldn't possibly be true because they're racists and anti-Semites, and he's black. Which means the two Outlaws NBC got a picture of shaking West's hands are gonna be in biiiiiiig trouble.

And that didn't even put him in the top four. This week's winner is Joe Miller, which means he gets the whole column to himself in the next day or two. The runners-up have to settle for the Internet's greatest consolation prize, a mention in IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"So that’s what we want is a secure and sovereign nation and, you know, I don’t know that all of you are Latino. Some of you look a little more Asian to me. I don’t know that. What we know, what we know about ourselves is that we are a melting pot in this country. My grandchildren are evidence of that. I’m evidence of that. I’ve been called the first Asian legislator in our Nevada State Assembly." - Sharron Angle, winning over the Hispanic Student Union of Rancho High School.

This only gets better with the context. Angle was defending her Scary Mexicans immigration ad, the one that used a copyrighted picture of dangerous-looking swarthy people without permission. And the only way Sharron Angle could be evidence of a melting pot is if the pot is made out of lead. So basically, she's saying that the people in her Scary Mexicans ad could have been any beige ethnicity, even Asian. Oh, and they could have been from Canada. Because that's how campaign semiotics work.

Implausible deniability aside, you may be wondering about that "first Asian legislator" comment. The campaign later clarified that one reporter once told Angle she looked Asian. A quick check of Google Image search leads me to believe two things. First, that the sun was in Angle's eyes, and second, that the reporter was a close second for Most Racist Person In This Conversation.

"Rand Paul keeps Christ in his heart and in the life he shares with his wife and his three boys. Don't be fooled by Conway's desperate attack, it's shameless, disgraceful, gutter politics at its worst... Those who stoop to the level of attacking a man's religious beliefs to gain higher office, I believe that they should remember that it does not profit a man to gain the world if he loses his soul in the process." - Rand Paul, in a response ad and a debate with Jack Conway.

You know what "disgraceful", "shameless", and "gutter politics" have in common? None of them mean "false". This response is what people who understand politics call "a palpable hit", and Chris Matthews calls "flimsy" and "exploiting". At issue is Rand Paul's college days, where, as part of a relatively harmless* hazing ritual, he tied up a female student and made her pray to "Aqua Boddha", and was apparently a lot more of a skeptic regarding Christianity.

Which is all fine by me. I mean, the hazing thing is insipid, but most college fun time activities are insipid. But I'm not a Kentucky Republican. Kentucky Republicans want Rand Paul to love Jeeeeeesus as much as they do, which is why his opponent hinted at skepticism and idolatry, and Rand freaked right the fuck out and went straight to quoting the Bible while studiously not denying he did any of that shit in college.

The Potato Heads of the world think I should maybe be upset about Conway's line of attack. Which I would be, but only if it opened up a whole new line of attack in politics for people not being Christian enough to hold office. But it didn't. It followed in the grand tradition of Republican attacks of the last 50 years. It's nothing I haven't heard before, but it's nothing I've ever heard fired at a conservative And not just any conservative, Rand Fucking Paul. What's to be upset about? Nothing, unless you happen to be Rand Paul.

"'The 17th Amendment I would not repeal,' she said, before asking the questioner to define the 14th and 16th amendments, adding: 'I'm sorry, I didn't bring my Constitution with me.'" - CBS News, failing to provide video of, or direct quotes for, that presumably awesome time where O'Donnell had to admit she didn't know which amendments those were.

The 14th is, of course, both the Equal Protection clause, which is currently being used to appease uppity homosexuals, plus the Due Process that lets terrorists blow us up and the Birthright Citizenship that lets anchor babies blow us up while taking our jobs. The 16th is the income tax, which makes rich people wish they were poor so that they wouldn't have to pay it. I admit I had to look that last one up, but I wouldn't have had to if I were running for the fucking Senate, I guarantee you that. I'd have flash cards and shit.

She also said that there's no separation of church and state in the Constitution, even after her opponent read the Establishment Clause to her, but she's a creationist who thinks the Dover decision either didn't happen or was wrong, so that's just boilerplate bullshit amongst the Young Earth set. Good enough for a solid second place, but that's about it.

* According to the woman herself, who I assume would know.